Old and New Jokes

Diferentes tipos de hombre según las mujeres:

Tipo café: Los mejores son ricos, calientes, con cuerpo y te mantienen despierta toda la noche.

Tipo cemento: Después de esparcidos tardan un buen rato en ponerse duros.

Tipo chocolate: Dulces, suaves y generalmente se van directo a tus caderas.

Tipo batidora: Crees necesitar uno pero no sabes realmente para qué.

Tipo hielera: Llénalos de cerveza y te los podrás llevar a donde tú quieras.

Tipo fotocopiadora: Solo sirven para reproducir.

Tipo rizador de pelo: Siempre están calientes y enredados en tu cabello.

Tipo zapato de tacón: Una vez que le has tomado la medida, son fáciles de pisar.

Tipo horóscopo: Siempre te dicen qué debes hacer y generalmente están equivocados.

Tipo rímel: Corren a la primer lágrima.

Tipo minifalda: Si no tienes cuidado se te suben por las piernas.

Tipo cajón para estacionarse: Los buenos ya están ocupados y los que quedan son para minusválidos o son demasiado pequeños.

Tipo clima: Nada se puede hacer para cambiarlo.

Tipo rosetas de maíz (palomitas, cotufas, popcorn, etc.): Te satisfacen pero sólo por un ratito.

Tipo tormenta de nieve: Nunca sabes cuándo se viene; cuántos centímetros tendrá y cuánto puede durar.

Están tres coños (chochos, conchas, etc.) en la playa.

¡Qué pelo más bonito tienes! ¿Qué te echas?

Me lo lavo con Pantene Pro V con provitaminas A, B, C, D, E. Tú también lo tienes precioso ¡Qué sedoso! ¿Qué te pones?

Uso una mascarilla HiperSuperMega hidratante, Wella Balsam.

Y, por fin, le dicen al tercero:

Y tú, ¡qué pelo más asqueroso y guarro que tienes! ¿No te pones nada?

Sí, me pongo colirio.

¿Colirio?, preguntan asombrados los dos chochetes.

¡Sí, porque hace más de un año que no veo un pijo!

Dont worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they dont use it anyway.

What was the last gift Bill gave to Monica?

Spot remover.

there are two blonds in a car and one in a row boat in the middle of a wheat feild trying to row. the two blonds pass bye and one sayes its blonds like that that give us bad names. and the other one said ya if i could swim i would get out there and kick her ass.

I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.

When I pointed this out to her, she said, I know, I married the wrong man.

(Hairdresser) – I havent seen you for ages.

(They mean) – Youve been going to another hairdresser.

(Hairdresser) – Its got long hasnt it?

(They mean) – Im on fairly safe grounds here.

(Hairdresser) – What kind of shampoo are you using?

(They mean) – There must be some explanation for the state of your hair.

(Hairdresser) – I cant afford a holiday this year.

(They mean) – Please remember I rely on tips.

(Hairdresser) – Are you busy at the moment?

(They mean) – I cant remember what you do.

(Hairdresser) – Do you want anything on it?

(They mean) – After what Ive done, I suggest you wear a hat.

Joke found on http://www.huumor.com

Two good ol boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, theyre out for a walk and Bubba says, Hey, Junior – theres the NCO Club. Lets you and me stop in and have us a drank.



But wes privates, protests Junior.

NO, wes sergeants now, says Bubba, pulling him inside

Now, Junior, Im gonna sit down and have me a drank.

But, wes privates, says Junior.

You blind, boy! says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. Wes Sergeants now!



So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

Youre cute, she says, and Id like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but Ive got a bad case of gonorrhea.



Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If its good, give me the okay sign.



Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Junior, he says, What you give me the okay for?!



Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.

Then he pointed to his stripes and says, But wes Sergeants now!

20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class

The first word spoken by children with older siblings.