Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six–four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.

my brain is like a computer,

the older I get the less avaliable memory I have.

A blond is as cute as my great great great (etc.)grandpa and he died in 2001.

The only resons blonds get dates faster because they are the stupitist.

The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself.

He pulled up to an old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $2,000 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $700 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning, said the well-dressed and impeccably groomed CEO. If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

Get lost, Mister fancy suit! said the old man. I havent got any money and he proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.

Dont be too hasty! he said. Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.

The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the CEO emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.

If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder. I am the CEO! You have my GUARANTEE!

I got a better idea said the old man, If you dont clean it all up, Ill swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls. Your nice suit, your tie, your shoes, everything!

Fine, sir! said the CEO confidently. Ill give you my clothes!

Lemme ask you somethin, pal…Where are you goin when you leave here?

The CEO answered very confidently: To a VERY important conference! WHY?

Will they let you in if yer barefoot? said the old man.

Of course not! said the CEO.

How much did you pay for those socks youv got on? asked the old man.

Fifty dollars said the bewildered CEO.

I aint never worn fifty dollar socks before! said the old man. It will be kinda hard for you to wear overalls to work, I guess! said the old man.

WHAT?! said the confused CEO.

And will you show how me to tie a necktie? said the old man…

One hour later, the door of the apartment opened, and the CEO carefully looked out. Seeing that no one was around, his foot appeared.

A bare foot.

He stepped out into the hallway – dressed only in overalls and bare feet. His expensive executive suit and tie had vanished, along with his confidence and dignity.

The old man watched him run away to his car with a grin, admiring the expensive pinstriped suit and silk tie he had just acquired. He then sat down and pulled on the CEOs fifty dollar socks and gleaming shoes.

Now I gotta see about payin that electric bill…

Loggs Rebuttal to Grays Law: n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command Press Any Key to Press Return Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the send key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

8. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, What power switch?

12. A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was her old computer had used 5 1/4s and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive. The tech explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5 1/4s to her 3 1/2s. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an hour later the same customer called and stated that her disk-drive was making funny noises. After a few questions, the customer told the tech that she didnt know how to copy and had cut the 5 1/4s to the same size as the 3 1/2s and put them in the drive!

13. True story from a Novell Netwire Sys Op:

Caller: Hello, is this tech support?

Tech Rep: Yes, how may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?

Tech Rep: Im sorry, but did you say cup holder?

Caller: Yes, its attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Rep: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, its because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?

Caller: No I didnt get it from a trade show, but it does have a trademark on it, 4X

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldnt keep from laughing. The caller had been using the load drawer of his CD-ROM as a cup holder, and snapped it off!

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.
Man: So what happened thats so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but thats not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm…
Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…
Some things you just cant explain.

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:

Dad, whats the difference between hypothetical and reality?

The father replies: Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if shed have sex with the mailman for $500,000.

The boy goes and asks his mother: Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000? The mother replies: Hell yes I would!

The little boy returns to his father: Dad, she said Hell yes I would! The father then says: Okay, now go and ask your older sister if shed have sex with her principal for $500,000.

The boy asks his sister: Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000? The sister replies: Hell yes I would!

He returns to his father: Dad, she said Hell yes I would! The father answers: Okay son, heres the deal: Hypothetically, were millionaires, but in reality, were just living with a couple of whores.

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You dont care where your spouse goes, just as long as you dont have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I dont need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm.

The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didnt he like him or somethin.

The doctor replied, No, its your ducks at the entrance… Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!