Old and New Jokes

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I cant get out of the room!" "You cant get out of yourroom?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only threedoors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one hasa sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!"

So these three people are hiking in a forest, and all of a sudden these headhunters catch them and bring the hikers to the head headhunter.

The head headhunter says If you want to live you must complete some tasks. First you must go into the forest, pick some fruits, and bring them back

So the hikers did that and came back.

The head head hunter said Now you must take the fruits you picked and stick them up your ass.

So the first hiker has apples… Ok, apples it shouldnt be too hard.

1 up okay… 2 up the hiker starts screeming, so the headhunters chop off his head.

The second hiker has grapes. Ok, grapes this should be easy!

1 up okay… 2 up fine… 3… 4 the hiker starts laughing like crazy! The headhunters chop off his head.

So the two hikers who got their heads chopped off are up in Heaven and the hiker who had the apples askes the hiker who had the grapes What happened… you had grapes, I mean you got killed cmon what happened?

The guy who had grapes says, Well the other hiker…….. he…….. he……… he had watermellons!

Getting the jump on the Oscars this weekend are the Irvings, awarded for excellence in Jewish movies this week in Miami Beach at the Rascal House. The Early Bird will be canceled that night.

The following have been nominated:

THE SIX CENTS – 3 Jews each put in their 2 cents worth.

GOY STORY 2 – Jewish man divorces a shiksa, marries another.

ISNT SHE GEVALDIK – Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann.

SUPERNOVA – Space scientists discover powerful strains of lox.

SNOW FALLING ON SEDERS – Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.

ANGELAS KASHAS – Woman reveals secret recipe.

GIRLS, INTERRUPTED – Womens section of shul shushed during davening.

STUART LADLE – Mouse makes chicken soup on Shabbos.

THE SEDER HOUSE RULES – Zadie lays down the law on Pesach.

THE TALMUDIC MR. RIPLEY – Believe it or not, he knows gemorah.

An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought shed try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said, For gods sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.


So what are your plans? the father asks the young man.

I am a Torah scholar. he replies.

A Torah scholar. Hmmm, the father says. admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as shes accustomed to?

I will study, the young man replies, and God will provide for us.

And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father.

I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies, God will provide for us.

And children? asks the father. How will you support children?

Dont worry, sir, God will provide, replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, How did it go, Honey?

The father answers, He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks Im God.

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin with a woman; neither one works.

Dont worry about bitin off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot biggern you think.

If you get to thinkin youre a person of some influence, try orderin somebody elses dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When youre full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin.

Never smack a man whos chewin tobacco.

It dont take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless youre out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If youre ridin ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure its still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, dont be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When youre throwin your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier n puttin it back in.

Always take a good look at what youre about to eat. Its not so important to know what it is, but its critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You dont feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

All my money is an electronic blip.
Someone will realize that I am overpayed.
They will find out that I am only a parasite, but I make to much to give it up.
There are more of them than us.
I need to make as much as I can as quickly as I can while this opportunity lasts.
They may stop thinking that they are inferior.
God gave me my money, so no one has the right to take it away
There are so many more of them than us.
You cant trust politicians, they will take your money and still raise your taxes.
My lawyer is stealing from me.
My employees are stealing from me.
My chideren are stealing from me.
The Russians may go Communist again.
They might realize that no one controls the economy.
The Market will crash, and I wont be short.
Ralph Nader is running for President.
The Chinese may go Communist again.
There are so many more of them than us.
My kids will grow up gay and take Negro lovers.
There are so many more of them than us !!!

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last weeks discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile…

What do Monica Lewinsky and a coke machine have in common??

Answer: They both say insert Bills