Old and New Jokes

(Told to me by a fellow performer…)

A famous film director, having died of late, arrives at the Pearly
Gates. He is greeted by St. Peter, who is delighted to see him.

Peter: Great! We were waiting for you! Gods making a movie, and we need a
director.

Director: No, no, no! I am done! I have been directing for thirty years, and
I want to rest. Eternally. Get someone else.

Peter: But you dont understand. We have a script by Shakespeare.

Dir: Sounds great…Ill see it opening night. I wont do it.

Peter: Our set design is a collaborative effort between Leonardo DaVinci and
M.C. Escher.

Dir: Well, I really do need some time off. Maybe next time.

Peter: Its a Bach score! Cmon, youve gotta do it!

Dir: You tempt me, Peter….

Peter: Heres the clincher: Youve got an open budget, a tech crew known for
getting stuff in early, and all the audition material you could dream
of.

Dir: Okay, okay. Ill do it. Wheres the stage manager?

Peter: Over there. But first, there is something I have to tell you. You
see, Gods got a girlfriend, like, and she sings….

A boy went up to a teacher and asked to go to the restroom. She said for him to say his ABCs. He said, ABCDEFG,HIJKLMNO, QRS,TUV,WX,Yand Z.

So the teacher asked him, Wheres your P?

He said, Running down my pants!!!!!!!!!

Q: WHATS GROSSER THEN GROSS A:A GIRL DOING THE SPLITS AND STICKING TO THE FLOOR.

Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. – Lewis Lapham, in Money and Class in America (1988)

What do you call a black lady with braces?

– A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker

If Olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

The day before his wedding this guy decides to play a game of baseball with his buddies. Playing shortstop he gets hit in the penis with a line drive.

He goes to the doctor in a lot of pain, but the doctor tells him there is nothing he can do except wrap it up. So the doc takes a few tongue depressors and wraps it in a splint.

The next night on his honeymoon his lovely wife comes to him dressed in a nightgown. Taking down the top she shows him her breasts. She proudly says No man has ever touched these, I have been saving them for just you for tonight.

Surprised but not to be outdone, her new husband pulls down his pants and says, Look at this, honey, still in the crate.

This old couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the back porch when the
old lady reached over and knocked the old man out of his chair.

The old man got up, sat back down in his chair and said, What was that for?

The old lady said, That was for 50 years of bad sex.

A couple minutes later the old man reached over and knocked the old lady out of
her chair.

She got up and said, What was that for?

The old man said, Thats for knowing the difference.

Assmosis
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Blowing your buffer
Losing your train of thought.

Salmon day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chain saw consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM – Career-limiting move
Used among micro serfs to describe the ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. Ive been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.

Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404
Someone whos clueless. From the World Wide Web error message 404 Not Found, meaning that the requested document could not be located. Dont bother asking him … hes 404, man.

Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm (an office full of cubicles) and everyones head pops up over the walls to see whats going on.

Telephone Number Salary
A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

Umfriend
A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in This is Dale, my … um … friend.

1. You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.2. Grandchildren are Gods reward for not killing your children.3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.4. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.5. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.6. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldnt have paid for me.7. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.8. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldnt have said.9. The main purpose of holding childrens parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.10. We child proofed our home 3 years ago and theyre still getting IN!11. Be nice to your kids. Theyll be choosing your nursing home.