Old and New Jokes

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, Oh, Shit!

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were –

Hey Yall, hold my beer and watch this!

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?

Mr. Johnson replies, I feel just fine, doc. But you know, its the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door.

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the mans son, and the sons wife answers.

The doctor tells her, Mrs. Johnson, Im a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on…

Mrs. Johnson yells, Steven! Daddys peeing in the refrigerator again!

1. Slowly begin
to reintroduce harmful foods. Suggestions are potato chips, pizza with
extra cheese, white bread, milk, coffee or coke, milk shakes from edible
oil products, fried chicken, french fries deep fried in beef fat, eggs
from chemically-raised chickens, steak with barbecue sauce and a small
portion of overcooked vegetables. Throw in a couple of chocolate bars
to insure an optimum toxin level.
2. Eat very few raw fruits and vegetables. If you must eat vegetables,
make sure the life has been cooked out of them. The best fruits are canned
and preserved in sugar syrup.
3. Give your juice machine away. Drink bottled or canned juices with
vegetable oils. Canned vegetable juice is fine because all the enzymes
have been destroyed through pasteurization.
4. Swallow food whole. Use butter as a lubricant. Deep fried foods will
require less chewing.
5. Eat as much as you possibly can at one sitting. This conditions the
muscles that support the stomach to expand, accommodating an increased
volume of food.
6. Avoid fiber at all cost. If forced to eat whole wheat flour, pick
the bits of bran from the bread. This will allow the food to pass more
slowly through the intestine so the body may absorb optimal toxic chemicals.
7. Do not exercise. Exercise oxygenates the cells and triggers the lymphatic
system that cleans the body. Try to remain in an inactive horizontal position.
8. Snack regularly during the night so as to curb the bodys natural
tendencies to detoxify during sleep.

Q: Bill & Hilary Clinton are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?

A: The nation!

If shop mannequins
were real women, they would be too thin to menstruate.
There are 3 billion women who dont look like supermodels and only 8
who do.
Marilyn Monroe wore a size 12.
If Barbie were a real woman, shed have to walk on all fours due to her
proportions.
The average American woman weighs 144 lbs. and wears between a size 12
and 14.
One out of every 4 college aged women has an eating disorder.
The models in the magazines are airbrushed – they are not perfect!
A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at models
in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and
shameful.
Twenty years ago models weighed 8% less than the average woman, today
they weigh 23% less.

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.

The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmothers strudel. No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now. I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver? the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old mans last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmothers delicious strudel? the old man plaintively queries?

Im very sorry,grandfather, she says you cant have any, its for the funeral!

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Jackson to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, I want my $20 million.

The man replied, No, sir. It doesnt work that way. We give you a million today and then youll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.

Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, Look, I want my money! If youre not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!

What are the 2 ways Blondes and dogs are the same?

They can both bleed for a week without dying and bury a bone without getting there nose dirty.

What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?

Missionary

Whats 30 feet long and smells like urine?

A country line dance at the nursing home!