Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat she uses I-95 as a slip and slide on rainy days.

During World War II the Little Moron was drafted into the U. S. Army. He went to Fort Benning for basic training. His blunders resulted in frequent KP duties. In the companys kitchen, his sergeant noticed yet another peculiar behavior.

Sergeant: Hey, you little moron, why are you saluting that refrigerator?

LM: Sir, I thought it was General Electric, sir.

Their windows fell out.

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?

The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis

Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!

-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

-Sorry Im late. I was playing with Mypenis.

-Im sorry officer, I didnt realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

-Mypenis doesnt come when I call it.

-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!

-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesnt like cold water.

-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.

-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!

-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

-I think Mypenis is getting old because he wont get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

-Mypenis got out last night. I think hes sleeping with the lady next door.

-HELP! Mypenis is lost…can you help me find him?

-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.

-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.

-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!

-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while Im on vacation?

-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.

-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang its head out.

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada.
 

 
At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do drugs, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.

Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.

Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.

It read – We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!

Q: Whats the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison.

While waiting for a bus, the blind mans dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind mans legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man, What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?

To which the blind man replied, Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that
he had a twin brother?

He didnt realize he was looking in a mirror.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chile!
Chile who?
Chile out tonight!