Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, Lets go over to that bar and get something to drink.The guy with the Chihuahua said, We cant go in there. Weve got dogs with us!The one with the Doberman said, Just follow my lead. They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.The bouncer at the door said, Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.The man with the Doberman said, You dont understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.The bouncer said, A Doberman pinscher?The man said, Yes, theyre using them now. Theyre very good!The bouncer said, OK then, come on in.The buddy with the Chihuahua figured hed try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would have to be a bit more believable. Once again the bouncer said, Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.The man with the Chihuahua said, You dont understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.The bouncer said, A Chihuahua?The man with the Chihuahua said, A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??
A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. Prostrate trouble, said the first doctor.
Oh no, not at all. Thats a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one, said the other.
They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors, said one, and if youll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?
Well, said the man, all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, I hope you dont mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?
About 32, is the reply.
Nope! Im exactly 50, the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, Id guess about 29. The woman replies with a big smile, Nope, Im 50.
Now shes feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, Oh, Id say 30.
Again she proudly responds, Im 50, but thank you!
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, Lady, Im 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, What the hell, go ahead.
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, Okay, okay…How old am I?
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, Madam, you are 50.
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, That was incredible, how could you tell?
The old man says, Promise you wont get mad?
I promise I wont. she says.
I was behind you in line at McDonalds.
Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tyrone!
Tyrone who?
Tyrone shoelaces!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Whats the difference between you and a prostitute?
The prostitute gets paid.
Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.
There were 3 guys, 2 smart ones, and a dumb one. They were all going hunting. The first smart guy went out and came back with a huge grizzly bear. The dumb guy asked him How did you get that huge Grizzly bear? The smart guy said, I followed the tracks, went in the cave and shot the bear. Then the second smart guy went out and came back with a huge black bear. The dumb guy asked him, How did you get that huge black bear? The smart guy said, I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and shot the bear. So the smart guy went out and came back all bloody and cut up. The smart guys said, What happened to you? The dumb guy said, I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and got hit by a train.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent? And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, How, Dear?
And Dot replied, I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriahs Pony Stable (UPS).
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abrahams drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Coms trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known eBay he said, we need a name that reflects what we are, and Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.
YAHOO, said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasnt Al Gore after all.