Old and New Jokes

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.

Your wife makes a delicious roast, The chief said.

Thanks, his friend said. Im gonna miss her.

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in fronts back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, What the hell do you think youre doing?

The bloke behind tells him, Well, Im a chiropractor and I cant help myself. I cant help practicing my art.

Are you crazy?

says the bloke in front, Im a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?

Its important to pay close attention in school. For years I thought that bears masturbated all winter.

—Damon R. Milhem

WORLDS EASIEST

QUIZ!





FOR ALL OF YOU THAT WILL NEVER MAKE WHO WANTS TO BE A



MILLIONAIRE



OR EVEN THE WEAKEST LINK…HERES THE WORLDS



EASIEST QUIZ! (Passing



requires 4 correct answers)





1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?





2) Which country makes Panama hats?



3) From which animal do we get catgut?





4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October



Revolution?



5)



What is a camels hair brush made of?



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific



are named after what



animal?



7) What was King George VIs first name?





8) What color is a purple finch?



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?







All done? Check your answers below!



x



x



x



x



x



x





x



x



x



x



x



x



x



x



x



x



ANSWERS TO THE



QUIZ



1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years



2) Which country



makes Panama hats? Ecuador



3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep



and Horses



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October



Revolution?



November



5) What is a camels hair brush made of? Squirrel fur



6) The



Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what



animal? Dogs



7)



What was King George VIs first name? Albert



8) What color is a purple



finch? Crimson



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand





WHAT



DO YOU MEAN YOU FAILED?!!##!!!





So did I…….

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, three Laotian monks, Hitler, Jesus and Joseph Stalin walk into a bar, the bartender asks What the fuck is this? Some kind of joke?

The Universal Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever theres a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. Youll be surprised how effective this form can be!

========================================================

Dear

a) Mom

b) Dad

c) love of my life

d) Assistant Principal

e) Local Police Chief,

f) Near & dear friend

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) Car

b) House

c) Pet

d) Espresso maker

e) Left arm

f) Snow Mobile

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile

b) puerile

c) inept

d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic

e) woefully under appreciated prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car

b) jet ski

c) large helium balloon

d) rodent driven sledge

e) Zamboni

f) Ski Doo

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house

b) wife

c) Mistress

d) Cub Scout troop

e) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch

f) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine

b) fathom

c) comprehend

d) appreciate

e) pay for

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me

b) sue me

c) spank me

d) take my firstborn

e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond

f) just shoot me

but I ask you to remember all the good times weve had, joking around at

a) school

b) work

c) church

d) the bowling alley

e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend

b) child

c) sibling

d) lease co-signer

e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid

b) was so silly

c) would have been funny if it worked

d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first

e) Im going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me

Q- whats got 100 balls and screws old ladies

A- BINGO

Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite
watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned
around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing
down a Specialty Burger too fast.

The first Southerner said to the other, Think we otta hep?

Yep, said the second.

The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked,
Kin yew breathe?

She shook her head no.

Kin yew speak? he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked
her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the
obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

The First Southerner turned back to his friend and said, Funny how
that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever time.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proof reading.

You think you got it bad.

All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, nasty dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow, damn near get killed by a 747, Mrs. Claus pissed off cause I got in too late.

AND THAT ISNT ALL

Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves wont clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I am so SICK of cookies and milk I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of the sleigh.

My prostate is giving me hell. I pissed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze to the seat, Im allergic to pine needles and itch all over, and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! HO!

Merry Christmas, my ass!!!