Old and New Jokes

The author of this poem is unknown to me. I remember during my elementary school days being read this poem by a teacher who preferred the Biblical story of creation. This poem is an interesting example of the use of humor to persuade.

The monkeys viewpoint

Three monkeys sat is a cocoanut tree

Discussing things as theyre said to be.

Said one to the others, Now listen, you two,

Theres a certain rumor that cant be true,

That man descends from our noble race –

The very idea is a disgrace.

No monkey ever deserted his wife,

Starved her babies and ruined her life;

And youve never knwon a mother monk

To leave her abies with others to bunk,

Or to pass them on from one to another

Til they scarcely know who is their mother.

And another thing youll never see –

A monk build a fence round a cocoanut tree

And let the cocanuts go to waste,

Forbidding all other monks to taste.

Wy, if I put a fence around this tree,

Starvation would froce you to steal from me.

Heres another thing a monk wont do –

Go out at night and get on a stew,

Or use a gun to rlub or knife

To take some other monkeys life;

Yes, man descended – the ornery cusss –

But, brother, he didnt descend from us!

There was a guy in the middle of the desert and his car broke down. He started walking and he came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule. The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say “Thank the Lord!” to make it go and “Amen!” to make it stop. So the man said, “Thank the lord, thank the lord and thank the lord!” and the mule took off! He was comming to the edge of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop. Finally, at the very edge he remembered, “Amen!” Tee guy was so releved he shouted, “Thank the lord!”

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused
by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe
tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating
and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body
electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:

is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the greenhouse effect.
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,
lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and
the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused
millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently
California. Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain junk-foods and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be
done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on
wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
The Horror Must Be Stopped!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution,
or use of this damaging chemical due to its importance to the economic
health of this nation. In fact, the navy and other military
organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing
multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare
situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it
through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many
store large quantities for later use.

Its Not Too Late!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this
dangerous chemical. What you dont know can hurt you and others
throughout the world.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tunis!
Tunis who?
Tunis company, threes a crowd!

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say you dont really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!

Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.



We cant see each other anymore…. she sobbed.



Why? gasped Declan.



Daddy says crabs are too common, she wailed. He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean… and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways.



Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her fathers side, inconsolable.



Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor…and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!



Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke…………..







Fuck, Im pissed.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

167. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that theyre for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandmans teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandmans teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are two times when a man doesnt understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. — Tynan