Old and New Jokes

Santa noticed a banana peel on the street.

He mutters to himself: Saddi to kismat hi kharab hai. Aaj phir girna padega!

Feggala Rothstein from Chicago decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920s.

Upon trying to checking into a nice hotel, the concierge told her, Sorry, theres no vacancy.

Just then, a man checked out. Feggala then exclaimed, Good, now you have a room.

Sorry, the man behind the counter replied, this hotel is restricted.

And what does that mean? she asked him.

Jews arent allowed here!

Well what makes you think Im Jewish? she shot back.

I know you are!

Well, Im not! Im a Catholic! she insisted.

So tell me, the man replied, Did G-d have a son?

Sure.

What was his name?

Jesus.

And where was he born?

In Bethlehem, in a stable.

And WHY was he born there?

Because a schmuck like you wouldnt rent his parents a room!

Minnesota Slogans

I came, I thawed, I transferred….
Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.
If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.
Minnesota – where visitors turn blue with envy.
Save a Minnesotan – eat a mosquito.
One day its warm, the rest of the year its cold.
Minnesota – home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
Minnesota – mosquito supplier to the free world.
Minnesota – come fall in love with a loon.
Land of many cultures – mostly throat.
Where the elite meet sleet.
Minnesota: CLOSED FOR GLACIER REPAIRS
Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.
Minnesota – glove it or leave it.
Minnesota – have you jump started your kid today?
There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota:
Colder, Older, & Fatter.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa!
WARNING: You are entering Minnesota,
Please use an alternate route!
Minnesota: theater of sneezes.
Jack Frost must like Minnesota –
he spends half his life there.
Land of 10,000 Petersons.
Land of the ski and home of the crazed.
Minnesota – home of the Mispi-Mispp-Missispp
(Where the damn river starts!)
10,000 lakes and no sharks!
In Minnesota ducks dont fly, people do!

Jeff Janke
AT&T Bell Laboratories

9.9999973251 – Its a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug

8.9999163362 – Its Close Enough, We Say So

7.9999414610 – Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes

6.9999831538 – You Dont Need to Know Whats Inside

5.9999835137 – Redefining the PC – and Mathematics As Well

4.9999999021 – We Fixed It, Really

3.9998245917 – Division Considered Harmful

2.9991523619 – Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?

1.9999103517 – Were Looking for a Few Good Flaws

0.9999999998 – The Errata Inside

Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints

Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like organizing each others lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.

He says, Come on, babe, lets go in the alleyway and get it on. Ive got fifteen bucks.

She says, FIFTEEN bucks? Youre crazy. For fifteen bucks, Ill let you LOOK at it.

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he cant see anything, because its too dark, so he gets out his lighter.

He lights his lighter, and he says, My God, your pubic hair… its so curly and thick… its BEAUTIFUL.

She says, Thank you.

He says, You mind if I ask you a personal question?

She says, Go ahead.

He says, Can you PEE through all that hair?

She says, Of course.

He says, Well, you better start. Youre on fire.

Why do Puerto Rican women wear pointy shoes?

To kill the roaches in the corners.

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).

She walks up to the pharmacist and asks, How much for a box of rubbers?

Theyre $1 for a box of 3, he replied, Plus 6 cents for the tax.

Oh, said the blonde, I wondered how they kept them on.