Old and New Jokes

George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit; he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy and corporations over the rights and needs of the population; he has destroyed trust and confidence in (and good will toward) the United States around the globe; he has ignored global warming, to the worlds detriment; he has wantonly broken our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners; he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States; he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital national importance; and he has blatantly made millions of dollars personally from spiked gas prices.

Now, would someone please give him some head so we can have a legal reason to impeach him?

Signs You Wont Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year

As presented on the 12/11/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Co-workers refer to you as the ghost of unemployment future
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call my new office, everybody else calls the supply closet
6. Bosss Christmas card says, Dont let the door hit your ass on the way out
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word crap appeared 78 times
1. Youre the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Get another sweet little old lady to call out BINGO!

Customer: Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.

Tech Support: What seems to be the problem?

Customer: The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left.

Its defective!

Tech Support: You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.

Customer: (sputter) (click)

Tech Support: (snicker)



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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packards DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldnt solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.



Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.



After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,



Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?



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A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printers tech support number, complaining about the error message: Cant find the printer.



On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldnt find it! (YEE-HAW!)



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Customer: Hello? Im trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, No Carrier, on my screen. Whats wrong?



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An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.



Customer: I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my

home computer. (Training stresses that we are not the Soft-ware Police, so I let the little act of piracy slide.)

Tech Support: Umm-hmm. What happened?

Customer: As I put each disk in it turns out they werent initialized.



Tech Support: Do you remember the message exactly, maam?

Customer:(proudly) I wrote it down. This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?

Tech Support: Er, what happened next?

Customer: After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I cant read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?



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For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.



A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.



She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.



I started to type, Leave me alone!



They both jumped back, silenced. What the . . . the teacher said.

I typed, I said leave me alone!



The kid got real upset. I didnt do anything to it, I swear!

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.



Me: Dont touch me!



Her: Im sorry, I didnt mean to hit your keys that hard.



Me: Who do you think you are anyway?! Etc. Finally, I couldnt contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.



After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.



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I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing A: and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldnt type the dot over dot thingie and that every time he tried to type the dot over dot thingie he kept getting the dot over comma thingie no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of

the key.

When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.



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This guy calls in to complain that he gets an Access Denied message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: OK, lets try once more, but use lower case letters. Customer: Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.



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Email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?



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My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, Its about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

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A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes hes lost. He spots a man down below, lowers the balloon and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes, youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do"replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well, everything you have told me is technically correct, but its of no use to anyone."The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do, howd you know?" "Well" says the man, "you dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault."

One PAYDAY MR.GOODBAR wanted a BIT-O-HONEY so he took miss HERSHEYS behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and 5thAVENUE. He began to feel her MOUNDS with his BUTTERFINGER. That was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL and he let out a SNICKER as she screamed OH HENRY while squeezing his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. Miss HERSHEYS said: you are even better than the 3 MUSKATEERS. Soon she was a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldnt get out of her room.

You cant get out of your room? the captain asked, Why not?

The stewardess replied, There are only three doors in here, she cried, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!

Friends dont let friends drive naked.

Bob and Mary Smith were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Ball. Mary had a terrible headache the night of the party, and told Bob to go without her. Bob, a devoted husband, protested, but Mary argued, saying she was going to take two aspirin and go to bed.
There was no need for her husband to miss out on a good time. So, he took his costume and away he went. After a hours nap, Mary awoke feeling great! It was still early… she decided to go the party. Having kept her costume a secret from her husband, Mary decided to have a little fun. She would see how Bob behaved when she was not with him.
Mary joined the party and soon spotted her husband on the dance floor, dancing with every chick that he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. Mary sidled up to him. She was no slouch in the Babe department. Wearing her most seductive smile, she easily got his attention. He left his latest partner high and dry and devoted his attentions to the new stuff that had just arrived.
Mary let him go as far as he wished, he was, after all, her husband. When he whispered a little proposition in her ear she agreed. Off they went to the parking lot, and the first back seat they could find. As the clock chimed midnight, Mary slipped away without revealing her identity. She went home, put her costume away and got into bed.
Mary was more than curious as to how Bob was going to describe his evening. She grabbed a book and pretended to be reading when he came home. Casually, she asked what kind of evening he had had. Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when youre not there. Then she asked, Did you dance much? He replied, Ill tell you, I never danced a dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and Charlie. We went into the den and played poker all evening.
But youre not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to…

at 20 years she is like Africa

semi-explored

at 30 years she is like India

warm nature and mysterious

at 40 years she is like America

technicaly perfect

at 50 years she is like Europe

all in ruin

at 60 years she is like Siberia

evryone known where it is, but … no one wants to go