Old and New Jokes

Scots are known to be frugal. But one guy was carrying things a bit too far. It seems he slept with his mother-in-law to save wear and tear on the bride.

A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, What do you have for collateral?



The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant.



Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says, I dont know. Im going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this.



He goes into Mr. Larsons office and comes back.



Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with the elephant and says, Its a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan!

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular
trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their
hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:

You rest here while I register – Ill be back within an hour.

The wife lies down on the bed… just then, an elevated train passes
by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard shes thrown out
of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrance, she lies down once more. Again
a train shakes the room so violently, shes pitched to the floor. Exasperated,
she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager
says hell be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is
true.
Look,… lie here on the bed – youll be thrown right to the floor!
So he lies down next to the wife… Just then the husband walks in.

What, he says, are you doing here?

The manager replies:

Would you believe Im waiting for a train?

Jim Borza
Communication Factors – Fremont, CA (415) 797-3039
Sun Microsystems – Milpitas, CA

Two women are discussing marriage, and one says, Weve been married 10 years, and every night my husband has complained about the dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food.

Thats awful, the other woman says. That must really bother you.

No, not in the slightest, says the first one.

You must be a saint, her friend says.

Why should I object? the first one says. A lot of people dont like their own cooking.

Lightbulb?!? Ha! You havnt switched to iso-tritainium strips yet!

Hella!

I hope you will enjoy this since it humorous as well as instructive.

Do not use computerese, jargon, argot, newspeak, or British when expressing yourself in the American English Language.
Subject and verb always has to agree.
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
Avoid cliches like the very plague.
Mixed metaphors are a pain in the ass and should be thrown out the window.
Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
Use your spell checker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errors.
Dont be redundant.
Dont repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
The passive voice should not be used.
Use the apostrophe in its proper place and omit it when its not needed.
Dont never use no double negatives.
Poofread carefully to see if you have any words out.
Check carefully for grammatical errers.
Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Avoid colloquial stuff.
Eschew obfuscation.
No sentence fragments.
A preposition is never a proper word to end a sentence with.
Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
Dont indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
And always be sure to finish what

Whats the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up a bagpipe.

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says Honey, look what I won at bingo.

Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says,Honey look what I won at bingo.

Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says Honey, look what I won at bingo.

The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks – Honey shall I draw you a bath? To which she replies Why sure.

As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.

She asks how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?

To which the husband replies…

I wouldnt want you to get your bingo card wet!

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.