Old and New Jokes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!

Llega una viejita a la farmacia:

Me da unas píldoras anticonceptivas para dormir.

¿Para dormir, señora? ¿Y le dan buenos resultados?, pregunta interesado el farmacéutico.

Pues, fíjese que sí, porque cuando mis nietas se van con sus novios les doy una pildorita y ¡viera que tranquila me quedo!

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?”To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

John, Tom, Paul and Sam are playing golf one spring day, walking the course and chatting among themselves as golfers are want to do. It was a great day with pars, bogies and doubles liberally spread amongst the group.

As they arrived at the 11th green, nestled into the corner of the course at the intersection of two busy streets, John removed his hat and lowered his head as a large funeral procession passed by.

The other members of the foursome were more than a little impressed. John, Paul said. that is one of the nicest gestures I have ever seen. Most golfers would have putted out and gone on their way.

John looked up at the group with a tear in his eye. Its the least I could do, He replied. we would have been married twenty six years this Thursday.

First guy (proudly): My wifes an angel!

Second guy: Youre lucky, mines still alive.

A fish!

On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasnt a virgin.

No problem, said the friend. Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. Youll feel nice and tight and hell never know the difference.

She went ahead and followed her friends advice.

On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere.

The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read:

Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I cant go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together.

Goodbye darling.

P.S: …Your pussy is in the refrigerator!

A lovely young thing was walking down the Kings Road in Chelsea, wearing the tightest pair of jeans you ever saw.

A young man approached her and said, I hope you dont mind me asking, but how on earth does anyone get into jeans like that?

Well, she said, you could start by buying me a Martini!

Once upon a time, there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only one word each year.However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her.With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, My darling. But at the end of these 2
years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking.Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, Pardon?

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said NO STRINGS ALLOWED.

Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.

The bartender said Cant your read? and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.

The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.

The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.

Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.

Say, asked the bartender suspiciously, arent you the string I just threw out of here?

Fraid not, replied the string.