Old and New Jokes

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else…

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had
all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

Im not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

Im not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I dont know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

A woman gets on a bus, as she passes the driver he grabs his throat and makes choking noises. The woman starts crying and hits the driver with her purse. A few minutes later the buzzer goes off and the lady passes the driver as she is getting off the bus.

The driver again grabs his throat and makes choking noises. The lady starts crying and again hits the driver with her purse.

A passenger sitting behind the driver whose curiosity has gotten the better of him asked the driver, What is that all about?

The driver replies, Oh, her daughter hanged herself last night and Im just teasing her.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce, and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didnt preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

The Teacher asked, All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?

Mary answered, A chicken gives eggs!

The Teacher then asked, Now who can tell me what a goat gives?

And Paul answered, A goat gives goat milk! And finally the Teacher asked, Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?

And Little Johnny replied, Fucking homework and tests!

Yo mamma is so big. The people that live near her put up signs Free Whale Watching!

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) 66 Ford Fairlane b) 69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) 64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the mans land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the
fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely
asked, What are you up to there, Tim?

My goldfish died, replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, and Ive just
buried him.

The neighbor was concerned, Thats an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isnt
it?

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, Thats because hes
inside your freakin cat!

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

Well, she said. The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.

Move by the New York Yankees stadium.

You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested for stealing food stamps.