LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light five hundred times.
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, Jeez, Id really like to dance with that girl.
The other man replies, Well go ahead and ask her, dont be a chicken shit.
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, Im sorry. Right now Im contemplating on matrimony, and Id rather sit than dance.
So the man humbly returns to his friend So what did she say?
asks the friend.
The drunk responded, She said shes constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants.
A woman was sick and tired of her husbands drinking; so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan and, when her husband returned home drunk again, she leapt up from behind the couch, screaming.
You dont scare me, the man said, looking her over calmly. I married your sister.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, Hey, guess what? Im a talking dog. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, Alright. The toilets right around the corner.
I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They dont know Im just using blanks.
Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!
One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day … think about it
HONK if youve slept with Commander Riker!
Guns dont kill people … Class 2 Phasers do!
Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!
CAUTION … We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.
If you can read this … Dont you think youre a wee bit too close?
Have you hugged a Ferengi today?
We brake for cubes!
Wesley On Board!
Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: Blonde Borgs have the same fun.
A man rushed into the veterinarians office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dogs still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.
Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog. The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.
The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a “meowâ€, walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.
The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, Im sorry, but there is nothing I can do.â€
Resigned, the man signed and said, Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?
Three-hundred fifty dollars, the doctor replied.
Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead! the man stammered.
Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?
The second kid says, Im in here to get my tonsils out and Im a little nervous.
The first kid says, Youve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. Its a breeze!
The second kid then asks, What are you here for?
The first kid says, A circumcision.
The second kid says, Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldnt walk for a year!
A bloke is driving around in his Porsche in the English countryside. He stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says, Ive got an offer. Ill guess how many sheep youve got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me. If I guess wrong, you get my car.The shepherd thinks hes on to a sure thing and agrees. 137 says the driver.Damn me, youre right, says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. Ive got a proposal for you. says the shepherd. If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If Im wrong, you can have all my sheep.Done, says the driver.Youre a consultant, says the shepherd.Bloody hell! How did you guess?Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it.