Old and New Jokes

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

Pardon me, she said, Im sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. Its just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.

Im very sorry, replied the young man, is there anything I can do for you?

Yes, she said, As Im leaving, can you say Good bye, Mother? It would make me feel so much better.

Sure, answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, Goodbye, Mother!

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $

127.

50.

How can that be? He asked, I only purchased a few things!

Your mother said that you would pay for her, said the clerk.

You know youre a redneck if you think the last four words of the national anthem are: "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

Knock Knock
Whos there?
May!
May who?
Maybe its a friend at the door!

El Banco Nacional de Tontilandia incorporó como novedad a partir del 1/3/2001 un cajero automático del tipo Drive Thru, para servirse desde el auto. Los clientes tienen ahora la posibilidad de extraer dinero sin dejar el auto.

Para poder aprovechar todas las ventajas de estas instalaciones, se ruega tener en cuenta las siguientes indicaciones:

CLIENTES NO NACIDOS EN TONTILANDIA

1 – Conduzca hasta el cajero automático.

2 – Baje la ventanilla.

3 РIntroduzca su tarjeta y n̼mero de PIN.

4 – Seleccione el importe deseado.

5 – Retire el dinero.

6 – Retire su tarjeta y recibo.

7 – Cierre su ventanilla.

8 – Retírese.

CLIENTES TONTILANDESES

1 – Conduzca hasta el cajero automático.

2 – Encienda el motor que se le apagó.

3 – Retroceda hasta el cajero automático.

4 – Baje la ventanilla.

5 – Tome su chaqueta; vacíela sobre el asiento del acompañante y busque su tarjeta.

6 – Intente introducir su tarjeta en el cajero automático.

7- Abra la puerta del auto para alcanzar mejor el cajero automático.

8 – Introduzca la tarjeta.

9 РRetire la tarjeta e introd̼zcala nuevamente pero del otro lado.

10 – Tome su chaqueta y busque su agenda.

11 – Busque en la primera página donde anota su número de PIN.

12 – Introduzca su numero de PIN.

13 РPresione Cancel e introduzca nuevamente su n̼mero de PIN correcto.

14 – Seleccione el importe deseado.

15 – Retire el dinero y el recibo.

16 – Vacíe de nuevo su chaqueta; busque su billetera y guarde el dinero.

17 РGuarde el comprobante en alg̼n lugar de la chaqueta.

18 – Conduzca dos metros hacia delante.

19 – Pare y retroceda hasta el cajero automático.

20 – Retire su tarjeta.

21 – Vacíe nuevamente su chaqueta y coloque la tarjeta en el lugar correspondiente.

22 – Encienda el motor que se le apagó.

23 – Conduzca unos 3 ó 4 Km.

24 – Pare y libere el freno de mano.

25 – Además, apague las escobillas porque le están rayando el parabrisas.

26 – Puede seguir su viaje.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.



After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandits head, and said, Youre under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or Ill blow your brains out. But the bandit didnt speak English, and the Ranger didnt speak Spanish.



Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Rangers message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. What did he say? asked the Ranger.



The lawyer answered, He said Get lost, Gringo. You wouldnt dare shoot me.

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldnt wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new bride, Honey, Ill be right back… Where are you going coochi cooh…? asks his wife. Im going to the bar, pretty face. Im going to have a beer. replies the husband. The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, You want a beer my love…? Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries.The husband doesnt know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: Yes, loolie loolie … but the bar … you know … the frozen glass. He didnt get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, You want a frozen glass puppy face…? She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, Yes, tootsie roll. But at the bar they have those hoers de devours that are really delicious… I wont be long. Ill be right back. I promise. OK? You want hoers de devours poochi pooh..? She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoers de devours … chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. But sweet honey … at the bar … you know … the swearing, the dirty words and all that… replies the husband in desparation. You want dirty words cutie pie…? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR DAMN HOERS DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE!

Boss, to four of his employees: Im really sorry, but Im going to have to let one of you go.





Black Employee: Im a protected minority.





Female Employee: And Im a woman.





Oldest Employee: Fire me, buster, and Ill hit you with an age





discrimination suit so fast itll make your head spin.





…To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male





employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: I think I might be gay…

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouses confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

Dont be afraid, darling, said the man. Wait until I tell you about this.

Get out of here! cried his wife. And take that sex maniac with you!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wilfred!
Wilfred who?
Wilfred like his present?

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for? he yells.

Thats for 60 years of bad sex. she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

Ow!! she yells. What the hell was THAT for??

The husband looks at her and says, Thats for knowing the difference.