Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.
11
Feb
11
Feb
Joke told by Peter Jennings, on Later, last night, attributed as typical
Russian Humor :
Two Russians are standing in a very long line for vodka.
The first one says, This line is too long! We must always
wait for everything! I am going to go to the
Kremlin and shoot Gorbachev!
After about an hour, he returns.
The second Russian asks him Well, did you shoot him!
No, the line was too long!
11
Feb
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a Bridal Shop and asks for a white dress.
You cant wear white. Reminds the sales clerk, Youve been married three times already.
Of course I can, Im a Virgin. Says the Bride
Impossible says the sales clerk.
Unfortunately not. The Bride explained:
My first husband was a Psychologist, all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a Gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector, God I miss him.
11
Feb
(Heard this one from a minister at a pre-wedding party:)
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the
street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they
decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it
home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling
water on their new car. It didnt need a wash, so he ran out and asked
the priest what he was doing. Im blessing it, the priest replied.
The rabbi replied Oh, then he ran back into the synagogue. He
reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut
off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.
11
Feb
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off!
10
Feb
When Im not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I intend to live forever — so far, so good!
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
10
Feb
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins.
Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?
Perfectly, said Buffie.
Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes . . .
Two minutes pass . . .
Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. Shes got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guards pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, Judy says You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!
Buffie said, I did . . . I did exactly what you said!
No, you idiot, said Judy. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!
10
Feb
En la selva existÃa sobrepoblación, y el rey León decide hacer un concurso de chistes para aminorar la cantidad de animales. El concurso consistÃa en que todos los animales debÃan decir un chiste, si la tortuga se reÃa, el animal se salvaba, si no lo mataban.
El rey dice: Hipopótamo tu chiste
El hipopótamo, resignado, cuenta su chiste, y todo el mundo se rÃe, menos la tortuga. El rey dice ¡mátenlo! ¡Jirafa tu chiste! La jirafa cuenta su chiste, y todos los animales se rÃen, menos la tortuga. El rey nuevamente dice ¡mátenla!
Y asà pasan muchos animales más sin que la tortuga se rÃa. De pronto la tortuga comienza a reÃrse descontroladamente, gritando:
¡Qué bueno estuvo el chiste del Hipopótamo!
10
Feb
From David Letterman and the Late Show…
Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesnt Give A Damn
10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy
9. When people whisper, Your fly is open, he says, Yeah, I know
8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera
7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, hell say pancakes just for the fun of lying
6. Hes no longer just fat — hes now Hugh Rodham fat
5. Tubby is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay
4. Doesnt even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore
3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as my lovely wife
2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as the house that dirty pardon money built
1. Sits in the back of Al Gores journalism class screaming, Loser!
10
Feb
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yah!
Yah who?
Ride em cowboy!