Old and New Jokes

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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

I need someone with an accounting degree, the man said. But mainly, Im looking for someone to do my worrying for me.

Hows that? the would be accountant asked.

I worry about a lot of things, the man said. But I dont want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.

I see, the accountant said. And how much will my position pay?

Ill start you at eighty five thousand, responded the owner decisively.

Eighty five thousand dollars! the accountant exclaimed. How can such a small business afford a sum like that?

That, the owner said, is your first worry. Now get to fuckin work!

Heard this from a friend:

For those who need some background: the Republicans in Congress are trying
to reduce or eliminate federal support for the Public Broadcasting System.

Timothy Moy
tdmoy@unm.edu

A TYPICAL DAILY PBS SCHEDULE IF THE PUBLIC BROADCASTING LEADERS CAVE IN
TO REPUBLICAN PRESSURE

8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while
reciting passages of Atlas Shrugged.

9:00 am Mr. Rogers Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings
Elitism is neat. The House Un-American Activities investigation of
Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids cant be
his neighbor.

10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more
judgemental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh. Bert
and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all the
Muppets white.

11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode Ernest Does Trickle-Down.
Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on
defense will balance the budget.

Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole,
explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank
closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job
loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else.

1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat
Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S.

2:00 pm William F. Buckleys Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush
Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G.
Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran,
Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan
the need for more conservative media voices.

3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use
machine guns to bag endangered species.

4:00 pm NOVA: Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?

5:00 pm Newt Ginrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood
present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan
says he is being shut out from national exposure.

6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock
Holmes team up to investigate Whitewater.

7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of
Wagners Prelude to a Cultural War.

8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsens A Dolls House. Phyllis
Schafly adds to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly gives
up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove.

9:30 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh,
John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon
Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul
Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss
liberal media bias.

10:00 pm Adam Smiths Money World: How to Profit from Ozone Depletion

10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the end of
all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety,
environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor.

11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle

11:01 pm Sign-Off

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, Honey, are you feeling all right?

Not really, the blonde replied. Im nauseous from sitting backward on the train.

Poor dear, Mom said. Why didnt you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?

I couldnt, she replied, there was no one there.

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Bobby," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.Bobby looked at God and said "God, Im not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. Sowhy does Gene Keady get a better house than me?"God chuckled, and said "Bobby, thats not Gene Keadys house, its mine!"

If I wanted any lip from you, I would jiggle my zipper!

SHE
08.45Wake up to hugs & kisses
09.005 pounds lighter on the scales
09.30Light breakfast
11.00Sunbathe
12.00Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
01.30Shopping
02.30Run into boyfriends ex, notice shes gained thirty pounds
03.00Facial, massage and nap
05.30Talk with mom on the phone for an hour
07.30Candlelit dinner for two and dancing
10.00Make love
11.00Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HE
10.00Wake up
10.02Oral Sex
10.45Big breakfast
11.30Drive in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde
02.15Enormous lunch
03.00Oral Sex
03.30Play sport with the guys
04.00Drink beer with the guys
06.00Meet Claudia Schiffer
06.10Oral Sex
08.00Huge dinner, more beer
11.00Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11.30Watch late game from the West Coast

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, Danger! Beware of Dog posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?

Yep, thats him, he replied.

The stranger couldnt help but be amused. That certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?

Because, the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!

—

who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?

The girl who can eat the last onion ring.

Están dos recién nacidas en la sala de maternidad del hospital y le pregunta una a la otra:

Oye, ¿tú eres virgen?

¡Hombre, pues claro, si acabamos de nacer!

¡Jo, pues yo no aguantaba más y me he sentado en el chupete!