Old and New Jokes

After Coach Holmgren dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Mr. Holmgren a little two-room house with a faded Green Bay Packers banner hanging from the front porch.

This is your house, coach. Most people dont get their own houses up here, God says.

Coach Holmgren looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. Its a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Denver flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Broncos banner hangs between the marble columns.

Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little two-room house with a faded banner and Shanahan gets a huge mansion with Bronco banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?

God looks at Holmgren seriously for a moment. Thats not Shanahan s house, God says Thats my house.

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.They argued and argued and finally the brunette said Ill go. The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.

At dawn the telephone rings. Hello, Señor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.

Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?

Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died

My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?

Sí, thats the one.

Damn! Thats a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?

From eating rotten meat.

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?

Nobody señor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses.

Dead horse? What dead horse?

The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.

Are you insane? What water cart?

The one we used to put out the fire.

Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?

The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.

What the…..!!! But theres electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?

For the funeral.

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!

Your mothers. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.

SILENCE………………..

Ernesto if you broke that driver youre fired!

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned and asked, Where did you get such a nice bike?

The second nerd replied, Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want!

The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, Good choice. The clothes probably wouldnt have fit.

A teacher in a rural area, attempting to broaden the outlook of her narrow-horizoned class, asked each student to write an essay on his views of foreigners. All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for hard-bitten young Billy, whose essay, in full, was All foreigners are bastards.The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy, and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners.With beating heart, she reached Billys paper. It said in full, All foreigners are bastards. Some are cunning bastards.

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials Information

System

———————————————————————-

Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115

lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large

quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: ——————–

1. Surface Tension–soft and warm.

2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.

3. Boils at nothing.

4. Freezes without reason.

5. Melts with special reason.

6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.

7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common

ore.

8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.

9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.

10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to

reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: ——————–

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.

4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES: ————

1. Highly ornamental.

2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: ———————–

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.

2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS: ———

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.

2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.

3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal

Sign on fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Sign in a car dealership office: The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.

Sign over a cannibals hut: I never met a man I didnt like.

Sign in a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.

Sign at a hotel. Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.

How’s business? asked the first.

Rotten, replied the other. Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

36. Come in wearing a full knights outfit, complete with sword and shield.

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.