Old and New Jokes

Since I finished my degree and Im leaving, I thought Id post this
one more time. Enjoy!

A new and improved list – 47 more things not to do!

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, I havent won any prizes, but Ive started free clinics and helped those in need for free. St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said, Im responsible for all the HMOs across the United States.

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, OK… Ill let you in, but only for three days!

There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldnt quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day,
like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you cant possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow —
quietly but miraculously — they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while youre asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done

Un famoso científico dedicó 48 años de su vida a estudiar el comportamiento de la pulga. Al final de sus estudios convocó a un congreso para presentar los resultados de sus investigaciones.

A la convención asisten los más renombrados pulgólogos del mundo. El científico hace su aparición y dice: Voy a pedir completo silencio para iniciar un experimento en vivo. Seguidamente, levanta la tapa de una bandeja y, ante el silencio absoluto de los concurrentes, se observa a una pulga en medio de la bandeja y dice, ¡Pulga salta! De inmediato, el insecto se eleva 6 metros sobre la bandeja, entonces aclara. La pulga ha saltado 6 metros, un metro por cada patita que tiene.

De inmediato, cuando la pulga ya ha aterrizado, procede a extirparle 2 patitas y dice nuevamente ¡Pulga salta! La pulga saltó 4metros, un metro por cada patita que tenía.

Así continúa hasta que le arranca la última patita. Entonces repite, por última vez ¡Pulga salta! Y la pulga,¡NO SALTA! En ese momento, el científico pide la colaboración de todos los asistentes para que alienten a la pulga a saltar. Al unísono, todos gritan ¡PULGAAAA SALTAAAA! ¡PULGAAA SALTAAA! Y la pulga tras constantes intentos… ¡No puede saltar! El científico tapa la bandeja con la pulga adentro, ante la atónita mirada de los asistentes que esperan una respuesta. El investigador, percibiendo esta inquietud, dice: Vean señores, durante 48 años me he dedicado a estudiar a la pulga, para cambiar el concepto tradicional que se tenía sobre ella, y concluyo que la pulga, al perder todas sus patitas, ha quedado ¡COMPLETAMENTE SORDA!

Una pareja está en el campo y empiezan con el calentón, entonces él se pone a comerle el coño.

¡Pepe, Pepe, quítate las gafas que me haces daño!

El tipo se quita las gafas y sigue con la tarea. Al momento ella insiste:

¡Anda, Pepe, ponte de nuevo las gafas que estás mordiendo el césped!

Q: Why cant MICROSOFT built any cars?

A: Cause when an accident happens the airbag always asks: Are you sure?

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, My wife, she thinks so much of me that she wont let me do any work around the house. Its incredible!

The second guy says, Thats nothing. My wife thinks Im God!

She thinks youre God? What makes you say that?

Easy…Every night she places a burnt offering before me!

Theres a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts, Praise the Lord! The atheist yells back, There is no God.

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady reuns into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says, Praise the Lord.

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there are the groceries shes asked for. Of course she says, Praise the Lord!

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, Hah. There is no God. I bought those groceries.

The lady looks at him and smiles. She says, Praise the Lord! Not only did you provide for me Lord, but you made Satan pay for the groceries!

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?

Tunnel vision!