Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
2. Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
3. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
11
May
11
May
Did you read that scientists discovered the actually ingredients in Viagra?
2 % vitamin C, 2% vitamin B, 2% vitamin E, 2% vitamin K, 98% fix a flat!
11
May
The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud F***, missed! each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldnt take it anymore.
Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you.
It didnt make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with F***, missed!!. Again, the priest said Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign.
It didnt help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud F***, missed!!. A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.
A voice was heard in the clouds F***, missed!!.
10
May
36 things youll never hear from a Redneck…
1. Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
2. Duct tape wont fix that.
3. Come to think of it, Ill have a Heineken.
4. We dont keep firearms in this house.
5. You cant feed that to the dog.
6. I thought Graceland was tacky.
7. No kids in the back of the pick-up…its not safe.
8. Professional wresslins fake.
9. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
10. Were vegetarians.
11. Do you think my hair is too big?
12. Ill have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
13. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
14. I dont understand the appeal of NASCAR.
15. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Deer heads detract from the decor.
17. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
18. I just couldnt find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
20. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
21. The tires on that truck are too big.
22. Ill have the arugula and radicchio salad.
23. Ive got it all on a floppy disk.
24. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
25. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
26. My fiance is registered at Tiffanys.
27. Ive got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
28. Shes too old to be wearing that bikini.
29. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
30. Hey, heres an episode of Hee Haw that we havent seen.
31. I dont have a favorite college football team.
32. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
33. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
34. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
35. Elvis who?
36. Checkmate
10
May
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
10
May
A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings events. The woman says, You are a terrible lover!
The man replies, How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!
10
May
Womens English
YesNo
NoYes
MaybeNo
Im sorry.Youll be sorry.
We needI want
Its your decisionThe correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you wantYoull pay for this later
We need to talkI need to complain
Sure… go aheadI dont want you to
Im not upsetOf course Im upset, you moron!
Youre … so manlyYou need a shave and you sweat a lot
Youre certainly attentive tonightIs sex all you ever think about?
Be romanticturn out the lights I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenientI want a new house
I want new curtainsand carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper and …
Hang the picture thereNO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noiseI noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me?Im going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?I did something today youre really not going to like
Ill be ready in a minuteKick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat?Tell me Im beautiful.
You have to learn to communicateJust agree with me
Are you listening to me!?Too late, youre dead.
Was that the baby?Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
Im not yelling!Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
The answer to Whats wrong?:a) The same old thing Nothing
b) Nothing Everything
c) Everything My PMS is acting up
d) Nothing, really Its just that youre such an asshole
Mens English
Im hungry.Im hungry.
Im sleepy.Im sleepy.
Im tired.Im tired.
Do you want to go to a movie?Id eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?Id eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?Id eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance?Id eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress!Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage.I want to fondle you.
Whats wrong?I dont see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
Whats wrong?What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
Whats wrong?I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
Im bored.Do you want to have sex?
I love you.Lets have sex now.
I love you, too.Okay, I said it … wed better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.$50 and it doesnt look that much different!
Lets talk.I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me?I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better.Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!
10
May
Why didnt anybody hear Helen Keller scream when she fell off of the cliff?
She was wearing mittens.
10
May
Murphys Laws Of Parenting…
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Familiarity breeds children.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
God invented mothers because he couldnt be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
If a child looks like his father, thats heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, thats environment.
If you have trouble getting your childrens attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when theyll know as little as their parents.
Money isnt everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. – actually from Erma Bombeck
One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
You can learn many things from children…like how much patience you have.
10
May
1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
12. Your master has said, My finger you will pull..hmmm?
13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.
18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
20. Your father told you, Shoot, son come on over t the dark side…itll be a hoot.
21. Youve had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.