Old and New Jokes

Why do Puerto Rican women wear pointy shoes?

To kill the roaches in the corners.

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).

She walks up to the pharmacist and asks, How much for a box of rubbers?

Theyre $1 for a box of 3, he replied, Plus 6 cents for the tax.

Oh, said the blonde, I wondered how they kept them on.

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where
the sun went? It finally dawned on her.

Ive learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Theres a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.

The celery was like Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!

Then the carrot was like You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!

Then the dick said Ya, well I got it the worst.

They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house.
The old man often screamed these words at her in public, Im sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you! The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him. At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, Arent you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you? The old lady calmly replied, Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket in the other way around.

A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and

started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the

plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he

himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down

together. The Polak understood and was ready.

The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The

instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The

Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air

for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by

jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the

parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get

his parachute open, darted past the Polak.

The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his

parachute, So you wanna race, eh?

The bitter winter was almost over when one shepherd confessed to the other that he could hardly wait until it was time to shear their flock. The other shepherd nodded, rubbing his hands togather in anticipation.

It will be great selling the wool and spending money on wine and women, eh?

Thats not it, his friend said. I just cant WAIT to see them naked!

Sign on the door of the maternity ward: Push Push Push.

Sign at entrance of the IRS: Watch your step.

Sign at the exit of the IRS: Watch your mouth.

Sign in a bookstore: We treat you write.

Sign on a front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.