Old and New Jokes

Whats it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?

Marriage.

Jesus scurried into the carpenters shop and said,

Father, did you call me?

Joseph said, No. I just hit my thumb with a hammer.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them
a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try
to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three
months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not
exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make
no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit!
Im a rabbit!

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, Im so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.
The man was very upset and yelled, You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldnt come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.

The brother thought about it and apologized.

So hows Mom? asked the man.

Shes on the roof and wont come down.

[ Another Scottish joke ]

Red Adair walked into an Aberdonian pub after two weeks spent putting
out a fire in a North Sea oil well. He ordered a pint of heavy and
found a table. The man sitting next to him immediately noticed that
this rugged-looking elderly fellow was indeed an American and said:

Ive been to the States myself, you know. I went there last year.

Oh really… our oil rig hero said in a rather tired voice.

Aye, I spent a month in California. One night I went to a concert
with a famous country singer called Benny Rogers, and…

Surely you must mean KENNY Rogers, Red said, looking at the ceiling.

Aye, thats right. Anyway, he sang a duet with a bonnie lass
called Polly Darton.

Its DOLLY PARTON, not Polly Darton. Red was not in the friendliest
of moods now.

The Scot realized that he was making a fool of himself and tried a
change of topic:

Havent I seen you on TV? Youre quite famous, arent you?

This made old Red cheer up:

Indeed you have. Im Red Adair! he said with a grin.

Red Adair?! The REAL Red Adair? So, are you still married to Ginger
Rogers?

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the drivers side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. I cant believe how materialistic you lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else.

How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, Dont you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

My God! screamed the lawyer. Wheres my Rolex?

Only three. The rest are true stories.

THE BOYS OF SUMMER

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but theres a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Gags for the Office Drone Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other no-playermust be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I cant talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I dont want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINT GAGS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say mon in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the reports on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, Ill never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I cant talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d, call a colleague and tell him hes won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets