Old and New Jokes

Sources close to President Clinton say he is proposing a new

national anthem for the United States, Yank my Dandy Doodle!

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You get to park in the handicap zone.

This is deadly serious, so dont ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.



Beware of…



THE CLINTON Virus….

(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)



THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…

(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)



THE LEWINSKY virus…

(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)



THE RONALD REAGAN virus….

(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)



THE MIKE TYSON virus….

(Quits after two bytes)



THE OPRAH WINFREY virus….

(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)



THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus….

(Deletes all old files)



THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus…

(Disks can no longer be inserted)



THE PROZAC virus….

(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesnt care)



THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus…

(Only attacks minor files)



THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus

(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)



…and last but not least…



THE LORENA BOBBITT virus…

(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.



Finally his exasperated partner says, What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!



The guy answers, My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.



Give me a break! You dont stand a snowballs chance in hell of hitting her from here.

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.

You play golf?! asks Jack.



Stevie says, Yes, I have been playing for years.



But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind? Jack asks.



I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice, explains Stevie.



But how do you putt? Nicklaus wondered.



Well, says Stevie, I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.



Nicklaus says, What is your handicap?



Well, I play off scratch, Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, We must play a game sometime.



Wonder replies, Well, people dont take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.



Nicklaus thinks it over and says, OK, Im up for that. When would you like to play?



Stevie replies I dont care – any night next week is OK with me.

Rudolph the red nosed wino,

Had a very shiny nose,

And if you got too close to him,

He would take off his clothes.

All of the other winos,

Used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph,

Join in any wino games.

Then one chilly Christmas Eve,

Rudolph froze to death in an alley.

End of story.

——————————————————————————–The Non-Stress DietThis diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.Breakfast1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim MilkLunch4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo CookieMid-Afternoon SnackRest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped CreamDinnerLoaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars Rules For This Diet1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories dont count as long as you dont eat more than they do.4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of ones personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.11. Chocolate is a uni

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that werent curses were to say the least, rude.Mary tried to change the birds attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music…anything she could think of. Nothing worked.She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Marys extended arm and said:Im very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again.Mary was astounded at the changes in the birds attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, May I ask what the chicken did?