Old and New Jokes

Jan

Big Fart

The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor Big Chief no fart.

The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day.

The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, Big Chief no fart.

The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten pills an hour.

The girl comes back the next day and says, Big Chief no fart.

After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her to give him a jar an hour.

The next day the girl comes back crying and says Big fart no Chief!

Posted in Ethnic |

Jan

A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. Hes laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, What in the world was that?
He replies, Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.
She thinks to herself Im gonna fix him. Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, What was that?
She replies Touchdown, tie score.
Now he thinks, Im gonna fix her. Hes lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, Now what in the world was that?
He replied, Half time, switch sides.

Posted in Foul Language |

Jan

Bill Gates dies and

Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, Bill, youve done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where youll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely.

Bill looks over Saint Peters shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peters words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell. The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, theres one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast. Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter.

He again looks over Saint Peters shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to Saint Peter, Ive put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound foolish, but Id like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell.

Saint Peter fulfills Bills request and returns him to Hell. When Bill gets back to Hell theres been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are burning, moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked at the sight asks the Devil, What happened?? I was just down here a little while ago and everyone was having a great time! The Devil says, Oh that… That was just the demo!

Posted in General / Unsorted |

Jan

What women really mean when they tell you something.

I heard a

noise

I noticed you were

almost asleep

You

Want

You

Want

We

Need

I

Want

Its your

decision

The correct

decision should be obvious by now

Do what you

want

Youll pay for this

later

We need to

talk

I need to

complain

Sure…go

ahead

I dont want you

to

Youre certainly

attentive tonight

Is sex all you ever

think about?

Im not

emotional!

Im not having a

period

This kitchen is so

inconvenient

I want a new

house…and curtains and carpeting, furniture…

Hang the picture

there

No, I mean hang it

there!

Do you love

me?

Im going to ask

for something expensive

Ill be ready in a

minute.

Kick off your shoes

and find a good game on T.V.

You have to learn

to communicate.

Just agree with

me.

Are you listening

to me!?

Too late, your a

goner

Im

sorry.

Youll be

sorry.

No

Yes

Maybe

No

Do you like this

recipe?

Its easy to fix,

so youd better get get used to it

Im not

yelling!

Yes I am yelling

because I think this is

important.

Posted in General / Unsorted |

Jan

Upgrade to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasnt mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesnt work on this program.

Can you please help!

Joe.

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have

ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck!

Tech Support