Old and New Jokes

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he
automatically lose because he cant find himself?

What do women and rocks have in common?

You skip the flat ones

10. Im in this private room consoling a depressed friend.9. Youre different…Ive never felt like this about someone Ive never met before.8. Im new online and havent had time to create a profile…but tell me more
about yourself.7. I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well Im getting excited6. Yes of course Im female.5. No this is my only screen name….You mean you can have more then one?4. Im 54, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body! Male version is Im 60, great tan,
and buffed from working out3. Im not like most of the guys here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and
get to know each other (at the hotel coffee shop)2. I dont care what you look like, its whats on the inside that counts (Which is true,
except it means Im horny and could care less, just type)1. Tonight my love…our souls have touched.

Q: Whats the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

What is the difference between a Jewish mother and and Italian mother???

-The Italian mother says to her child eat this or ill kill you while the jewish mother says to her child eat this or ill kill myself

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 – For some reason, theres salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Beas pancakes.
9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you couldve bought the automobile.
8 – Youre now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, its Vomit Man!"
4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long itll take you to find your pants.
3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 – Youre now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

I originally posted this to comp.dcom.telecom, someone suggested I
send it to here, too.

The August 14 edition of Yerushalaim (a Jerusalem local newspaper)
contains a copy of a letter that Bezeq, the Israeli telco, mailed to a
phone booth which it owns.

The form letter is addressed to Bezeq, Inc. at the address at which
the phone booth is located (155 Costa Rica Street), and informs the
subscriber that while in the past, its bill was computed by reading a
meter, which made it impossible to obtain a listing of calls made,
this will now be possible (at a fee, of course, something that Bezeq
did not mention to the phone booth).

The letter-carrier delivered the letter by placing it inside the phone
booth.

Bezeq responded that the program that sends out mailings will be
corrected. The phone booth was unavailable for comment.

Q: Why is the book Women Who Love Too Much a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses?

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses?

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, Yes I am.

George W. asked him why he was so uppity.

Moses replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!