Its the way you say it…
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, Where does you go to school?
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
Yale, she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?
A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend said I know a great caddy – he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk
OK then said the man tell him Im playing again in a week.
The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddy did you see where it went
The caddy then said yes
OK then where is it?
The caddy replied I forgot.
So i was at a movie yesterday and this guys phone behind me rang. I told him shhhhh! then the guy behind me told me you shhhh!.
His phone rang again and i told him to shhhhhhhhh! once again he said YOU SHHHHH!.
His phone rang once again and i told him SHHHHHHH! and he told me SHUT UP!
I got up and almost punched him, but i saw my WWJD(what would Jesus do) braclet…………so i lit him on fire and sent him to hell.
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the Generals office. Since we werent actually at war, the General began, I cant give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What weve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. Well start on the left, boys, so whatll it be?
Soldier 1: The tip of me head to me toes, sahr! General: Very good son, thats 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds
Soldier 2: The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!
General: Even better son, thats 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds
Soldier 3: The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!
General: Thats a strange but fair request, son!
As the general begins the measurement: What! Son, where is your left pinky?
Soldier 3: Falkland Island, sahr!
He became a vegetable for life.
An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working.
He asks the Polish guy if he doesnt mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, Is it working?
To which the Polish guy responds, Yes, its working….No, its not working….Yes, its working….No, its not working….
A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect–except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldnt look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clones death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.
Heres a story I found this week in the Charleston [West Virginia] Gazette in a column by a man named Terry Marchal. He publishes humorous things that people send to him…
There was this very delicate, proper and elegant woman who was planning a family camping vacation in Florida. She wrote to a campground for a reservation.
This woman abhorred what campgrounds refer to as pit toilets (known in West Virginia as outhouses) and wanted to know if the area had bathhouses with flush toilets. She didnt want to write toilet.
Campground guides and brochures use abbreviations for camping facilities and the woman remembered something about B.C. which, she recalled, meant bathroom commode. So, in her letter, she wanted to know if the camping facility had a B.C.
The campground owner was unfamiliar with B.C. He showed the letter to several people. Most were baffled. One knowledgeable camper, however, said he knew what it was. She was referring to a Baptist church. So the campground owner sent the following letter:
Dear Madam,
A B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is opened on Sundays and Wednesdays.
It is a beautiful structure — red brick and well-kept. My daughter met her husband there.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time.
It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but is surely not due to lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.
If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We are a friendly community.
Late one night a car was swerving all over the road. A police officer pulled them over and went up to the vehicle. He then noticed it was the local preacher, Father McBrian. The officer then asked him why he was swerving all over the road. He said he wasnt.
The officer immediately asked him, Father, have you been drinking? No… replied Father.
Is that liquor in your bottle there Father? suggested the officer. No its just my water answered Father.
The officer took it and smelled it. He then said Father this is wine.
Father then burst Praise the Lord, Hes Done It Again!
Entra un turista a una farmacia en Brasil y le dice al farmacéutico:
Deme una aspirina, por favor…
El negro saca una aspirina enorme, del tamaño de un plato y se la envuelve. El tipo, confundido le pregunta:
¿No tiene una aspirina más chiquita? ¿Una de tamaño normal?
Y el negro le responde: ¡En Brasil fabricamos as aspiriñas mais grandes du mundu!
El tipo, asombrado, acepta la enorme aspirina y dice:
Deme un tubo de pasta dentÃfrica, por favor.
El negro saca un tubo del tamaño de un termo y le dice: ¡En Brasil fabricamos o tubo do pasta dentÃfrica máis grande du mundu! ¿Vocé gusta algo máis?
El tipo lo piensa un poco y le responde:
No, gracias negro, los supositorios los compro de regreso a mi paÃs.