Old and New Jokes

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks hell have to replace the whole socket.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? Ive got a splitting headache.

Certainly, honey, he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, Say, said the druggist, arent you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?

Yes, I am, said the officer.

Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chiefs uniform?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but Im bald now!

None. They only screw the poor.

While going through his wifes dresser drawers, a farmer discovered
three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer
confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she
confessed:

Over the years, I havent been completely faithful to you.

When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind
myself of my indiscretion, she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either,
and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of
weakness in his wife.

Im curious though, he said, Where did the thirty dollars
come from?

Oh that, his wife replied, Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars
a bushel, I sold out!

Tri Tran-Viet

Mary Jo was going into labor and the baby was coming fast. Her husband, Billy Bob called 911 and asked for help The operator said she would send someone right out.Where do you live? she asked. On Eucalyptus Drive, replied Billy Bob. Can you spell that for me? asked the operator. There was a pause, and then Billy Bob said, How about I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up from there?

Neville, Daniel and Rhonda are floating in a life boat after their ship had sunk in the Atlantic. Neville sits up and looks about. He sees an island on the horizon, but cant believe his eyes. After conferring w/ the other two, they decide that there is no such thing as group hallucination and paddle toward the island.

They have not been on the island long when it begins to rain. This is another miracle, and the three believe that God is w/ them.

The following day, early in the morning, Rhonda starts screaming and wakes the other two. Its a ship, its a ship! cries she.

The other two rise from their somnulescent posture and look. Sure enough, there is a ship on the horizon.

Were saved, were saved! cry they, and begin to dance around in circles. As the ship comes closer, Daniel peers to catch the name on the starboard side: The Titanic he reads out slowly.

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. he booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life … at least till a hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. But for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he saw a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: Where did you come from? How did you get here?

I rowed from the other side of the island, she said, I landed here when my cruise ship sank.

Amazing, he said, I didnt know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.

Its only me, she said, and the rowboat didnt wash up, nothing did.

He was confused, Then how did you get the rowboat?

Oh simple. replied the woman I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree.

But-but, thats impossible, stuttered the man, you had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?

Oh, that was no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live? Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

Well, lets row over to my place, then she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat.

Before he was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, Its not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?

No, no thank you he said, still dazed. I cant take anymore coconut juice. Its not coconut juice, the woman replied. I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, Im going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.

No longer questioning anything, the man went in to the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, was a razor make from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. This woman is amazing, he mused, what next?

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines – strategically positioned – and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. Tell me, she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, weve been out here for a very long time. Youve been lonely. Theres something Im sure you really feel like doing right now, something youve been longing for all these months? You know… She stared into his eyes.

He couldnt believe what he was hearing: You mean, he replied, I can check my e-mail from here too?

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says Grandpa, do you realize that youre not wearing any pants? His grandpa replies Yes Jimmy, I do.

Jimmy then says Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandmas idea.

Not enough sand.