Old and New Jokes

Tres amigas charlan sobre su vida sexual:

“A José, cuando hacemos el amor, se le calientan los testículos”, dice una de ellas.

“Parece que eso le pasa a todos los hombres, porque a Juan también le sucede lo mismo”, responde otra.

“Pues yo no me he fijado con Luis, pero esta noche lo sabré”, dice la tercera.

Al otro día, la mujer de Luis aparece con un ojo morado, un brazo enyesado y cardenales por todo el cuerpo.

“¿Qué te pasó?”, inquieren preocupadas las dos amigas.

“Fue Luis”.

“¿Luis? ¿Pero, por qué te golpeó así?”

“Es que anoche, cuando hacíamos el amor, le toque los testículos para confirmar lo que habíamos hablado y, al ver que los tenía calientes, le dije: Se te calentaron al igual que a José y Juan”.

A Bishop invited his three sons home for a midwinter get-together.


On the cold first morning of their stay, he stood warming himself at a roaring log fire as the first son, a Parson, appeared from bed.


Good morning father,said he.


Good morning,son replied the Bishop,Did you sleep well?.


Wonderful sleep, I dreamt I was in heaven.


Great!, Come and stand by the fire said the Bishop.


Good morning, son, did you sleep well?.


He asked his second son, also a Parson.


Marvelous, I dreamt I was an angel!. And he went to stand in front of the fire. The third, a commercial traveller appeared.


Good morning said the Bishop, not so eagerly, How was your night?.


I dreamt I was in Hell said he, And it was just like home- you couldnt get near the fire for Parsons.

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. Hey, buddy, thats a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? Ive got a phone in my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, Yes, I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo said, Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? Ive got one in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo said, Thats great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo said, Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasnt any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce, the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!

A Freudian Slip is when you mean to say Please pass the salt, but it comes
out as You damn bitch, youve ruined my life.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?

A: Thanks for the refill!

Q: Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.

A: Bambi, the White House grounds, and the new TV season.

A drunk stumbles into a confessional.

The priest hears him come in, but then he doesnt hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall.

The drunk says, Forget it, buddy, theres no paper in this one, either!

We were just having a bitch about the man (more or less agreed, only a man would think of such a thing) who invented guns, and how he died.

Something like:

His son walks into the room: Hey dad, what does this lever do?

Or:

Son can you hold this while I clean out the other end? (The barrel) Geez, its really dark down this barrel. Let me have a closer look …

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night hes doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, hes going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: Ive heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a persons hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor! The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, You stay out of this, mister! Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!

There was this poor soul who couldnt hold a job. Every time he managed
to land one, he would get fired for some reason or other. He was explaining
his misery to a friend, and his friend told him that he thought he could get
him a job that was almost impossible to get fired from. He proceeded to tell
him about said job. He explained how he responded to an advertisement in a
newspaper claiming he could bring home big bills by selling toothbrushes.
Needless to say this poor man couldnt afford to turn down this job, so he
found the clipping and mailed away for his kit.

Upon arrival, he immediately opened his package and eagerly went door to
door trying to sell his toothbrushes, but nobody seemed interested enough to
buy any. He went back to his friends house and asked how many toothbrushes he
usually sold. His friend told him 700 to 800/wk. Astonished, he asked
what his secret was. His friend told him that a good businessman would never
reveal his secrets. He did however tell him that honesty is not always the
best policy. This got our friend thinking. He left with his idea, and returned
a week later. Upon arrival at his friends house he couldnt help but to brag
how he managed to outsell his friend, three-fold. His friend insisted he tell
him how he managed to pull off a feat like that. He said a good businessman
would never reveal his secrets, but he felt he never would have gotten the job
if it werent for his friend. He told him that he went to the airport with bags
and bags of potato chips and massive quantities of dip, and a big sign that
read, FREE CHIPS AND DIP. People were all to eager to help themselves and
tasting it, would reply, Hey! This dip tastes like shit!

He would reply, It is. Want to buy a toothbrush?