Old and New Jokes

In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted… Cereal Port Not Responding

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouses mate is found in a compromising position.

See, I have a problem with that passion business, responded one jury candidate. During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.

She wasnt selected for the jury.

You are the wind beneath my wings.

Doctor speaks to patient who regains consciousness after an amputation.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Tell me the bad news first.

Doctor : By mistake I cut off your good foot. Im terribly sorry.

Patient: Oh My God! How can there be good news after that?

Doctor: The foot that we thought was bad, has got better

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend
Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought
Ampere was worried he wasnt up to current research
Ohm resisted the idea at first
Boyle said he was under too much pressure
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight
Dr Jekyll declined – he hadnt been feeling himself lately
Morses reply: Ill be there on the dot. Cant stop now – must dash

This is a true story: I saw this happen in the student union at my
University.

Mother and 3-year old daughter heading toward the exit of
the student union.

Mom: Okay, time to go.

Child: No!

Mom: We have to go now, honey.

Child: No! I wanted to go to the…

Mom: We did go, honey, and now were going home.

Child: No! No! [Tears starting to fall…]

Mom: We did go to the art show, honey…

Child: No! No! I wanted to go… [full-fledged tantrum
under way now…]

Mom: We did go to the art show sweetheart, it was just a
different kind of art than what you were expecting…

Child: No!!! I wanted to see the art show… [screaming,
wailing, crying….]

Mom: We did see it honey, its just not the kind of art you
are used to…

Child: NOOOO!!!!!!!

Theres no accounting for taste.

What do you call a dog that humps you 24-7

A rout around the week dog

Se cae la barda que divide el cielo del infierno. Y empiezan a discutir el diablo y San Pedro acerca de quién debe de reparar el daño. Al no ponerse de acuerdo, el diablo le propone a San Pedro que consulten con sus respectivos abogados y se vean en 2 horas. El diablo llega muy puntual y San Pedro no aparece hasta como 8 horas después. El diablo lo aborda impaciente y le dice:

Oye Pedro mis equipo de abogados dice que tú tienes que pagar.

A lo que San Pedro responde:

Pues me ganaste porque en cielo no encontré un solo abogado. ¡Tú los tienes todos!

Un tipo va por la calle con la cara triste y se encuentra a un colega.

Macho, ¿por qué estás así? ¿te ha pasado algo?

Es que se me ha muerto mi mujer.

¡Joder, qué putada! ¿Y tus hijos?

Muertos también.

¿Y de que murieron?, pregunta acongojado el amigo.

De un empacho.

¿Un empacho de qué?

De setas.

Vaya, ¿y tu suegra, qué tal?

Muerta.

Claro… otro empacho de setas ¿no?

¡Qué va… la maté yo a hostias!, responde colérico el afligido.

¿Pero, por qué?

¡Porque no quiso comerse las putas setas!