Old and New Jokes

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for tea!

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting
he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled
over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had
happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, See here! That duck
belongs too me!

The city boy replies, But I shot the duck, therefore it belongs to me!

The farmer says, It fell on my property so it belongs to me! They
continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After awhile the
farmer says, We should settle this the old-fashioned way.

The city boy asks, What is the old-fashioned way?

The farmer explains, First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick
me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up.
The one who wins gets the duck.

The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees
to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in
the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the
ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes of this, the city boy stands
up shakily and croaks, Its my turn now.

The farmer says, Oh, you can have the duck, and leaves.

Employee: Im sorry but I cant come in today. I am suffering from Anal Glaucoma. Boss: Anal Glaucoma? Whats that? Employee: I just cant see my ass coming to work!

A: Run like Hell….shes got a hand grenade in her mouth.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You dont hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color
3. If you wont dress like the Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.
4. If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us. We refuse to answer.
5. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
6. If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear.
7. Sometimes, were not thinking about you. Live with it. Dont ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.
8. Sunday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, were never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
12. Crying is blackmail.
13. Ask for what you want. Lets be clear on this one: Subtle hints dont work. Strong hints dont work. Really obvious hints dont work. Just say it!
14. No, we dont know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
15. Peeing standing up is more difficult. Were bound to miss sometimes.
16. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think wed be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
17. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
18. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Thats what we do.
19. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
20. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless its Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesnt really matter what theyre saying anyway.)
22. Check your oil.
23. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
24. No, it doesnt matter which quiz.
25. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
26. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
27. Let us ogle. Were going to look anyway; its genetic.
28. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
29. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
30. If it itches, it will be scratched.
31. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
32. If we ask whats wrong and you say nothing, we will act like nothings wrong.
33. We know youre lying, but its just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really dont mind that, its like camping!

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Una noche, un tipo estaba cómodamente sentado en la sala de su casa, cuando una piedra vuela a través de la ventana, rompiendo cristales y aterrizando a sus pies. En la piedra se encuentra un sobre atado con la siguiente nota:

‘Si no obedece nuestras demandas y nos entrega cien mil dólares, secuestraremos a su esposa’.

Tras reflexionar un rato, el hombre se sienta a la mesa, enciende un cigarrillo y escribe, al reverso de la nota:

‘Estimados caballeros:

Acuso recibo de la nota. No dispongo de cien mil dólares en este momento. No obstante, les ruego se mantengan en contacto conmigo en el futuro, pues su propuesta me interesa.

Atentamente’.