Old and New Jokes

What is black and white and red all over? A panda bear with diaper rash!

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this months outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him – he sauntered in.

Sir, she inquired, Why doesnt this cow have any horns?

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: Well, maam, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keepem trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young uns by puttin a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow dont have no horns, maam, is cause its a horse.

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large

puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side.

So… the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one

gets to the worm first?

The one who swam, of course, because Da oily boid gets da woim.

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 53 to flame the spell checkers 6 to argue over whether its lightbulb or light bulb … another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct 156 to email the participants ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their acceptable use policy 109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped 111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 19 to quote the Me toos to say Me three 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ 44 to ask what is a FAQ 4 to say didnt we go through this already a short time ago? 143 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questi

Two boys are playing football in a Pennsylvania State Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A Post Gazette reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

Young Steelers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, he starts writing in his notebook.

But Im not a Steelers fan, the little hero replied.

Sorry, since we are in Pennsylvania, I just assumed you were, said the reporter and starts again.

Little Eagles Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack he continued writing in his notebook.

Im not an Eagles fan either, the boy said.

I assumed everyone in Pennsylvania was either for the Steelers or the Eagles. What team do you root for? the reporter asked.

Im a Browns fan, the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, Juvenile Cleveland Fan Brutally Kills Beloved Family Pet.

What is your IQ?Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, hell ask his guests what their I.Q. is–hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.

The day of Bobs party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is.

200,000 replies the first guest.

Well, thats great, says Bob, lets talk about ethereal astro physics.

Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.

Later in the party, someone else is at the door. Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, whats your I.Q.?

The new guest responds with 250.

Great, says Bob. Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.

Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. Hi, my names Bob; welcome to my party, whats your I.Q.?

This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it five.

Well, thats great, says Bob, what kind of drumsticks do you use?

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that shed take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy My name is Johnny Fuckhauer.

So she said Therell be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!.

The kid said No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you dont believe me!

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.

The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?

Hell no! replied a little kid from the front row, We dont even get a cookie break!

Están tomando unos luchadores en una cantina y de pronto un mesero joto (homosexual) se acerca a no de ellos y le dice:

Qué brazotes, déjame tocarlos.

Y el luchador le dice, Tócalos, para que veas.

El joto dice, Qué piernotas, qué espaldota, ¿me dejas meterte una llave?

El luchador le contesta, No, cómo crees, no puedes conmigo.

Sí, sí, déjame meterte una llave.

Tanto estuvo insistiendo, hasta que por fin le dice el luchador, Andale pues, méteme una llave.

Y el joto sin inmutarse le mete una llave en la bolsa de la camisa y le dice: Cuarto 201.

One day a frog went to the teller at the bank. The frog noticed that the nametag on the tellers shirt red Pat Whack. The teller asks who he is. The frog says he is McJaggerts son. The frog said he like to take out a $10,000 loan. She replied, that is alot of money, what have you got for collateral? The frog handed her a little plastic pig. Pat whack asks the frog what is. The frog said, I dont know. Pat Whack goes to talk to her manager. Pat Whack said to her manager a frog wants to take out a loan for $10,000 and use this as collateral. What is this? Her manager replies its a nic-nac patty whack give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone!

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.