Old and New Jokes

How do you confuse the heck out of Helen Keller?

You glue doorknobs to the walls.

These are headlines for various newspapers in 97 (we will protect the guilty by not mentioning from whence they came):

• Include your children when baking cookies.
• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.
• Police begin campaign to rundown jaywalkers.
• Drunk gets nine months in violin case.
• Iraqi head seeks arms.
• Prostitutes appeal to Pope.
• Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over.
• British left waffles on Falklands Islands.
• Teacher strikes idle kids.
• Clinton wins on budget, but more lies ahead.
• Plane too close to the ground, crash probe told.
• Miners refuse to work after death.
• Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.
• Stolen painting found by tree.
• Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter.
• War dims hope for peace.
• If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while.
• Cold wave linked to temperatures.
• Enfields couple slain; police suspect homicide.
• Red tape holds up new bridges.
• Typhoon rips through cemetery, hundreds dead.
• Man struck by lightning faces battery charges.
• New study of obesity looks for larger test group.
• Kids make nutritious snacks.
• Chef throws his heart into helping feed needy.
• Local high school dropouts cut in half.
• New vaccine may contain rabies.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, What are you charged with?

Doing my Christmas shopping early sir, replied the defendant.

Well thats not an crime, said the judge! How early were you doing this shopping?

Before the store opened, answered the prisoner.

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.



The Devil said to the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.



All I want in exchange is your soul, your wifes soul, your childrens souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and I want to have anal sex with your 14 year old daughter.



The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, whats the catch?

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream THATS MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez OReilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that youve done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters CHECK YOUR FLY.

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:
the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
thing-in-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge group.

Q. What do u call 2 lesbian dinosaurs?

A: A lickalotapuss

Banta Singh stuck on an elevator

Santa Singh: Sorry Im late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.

Banta Singh: Thats alright, me too…I got stuck on the escalator for 4 hrs.

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
–Frank Adams

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
–Marty Allen

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex. You thought of nothing else if you didnt have it and thought of other things if you did.
–James Baldwin

I hope I dont sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: How can I get in on
that? –Dave Barry

Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors. –J. Bothne

Many speak the truth when they say that they despise riches, but they mean the riches possessed by other men.
–Charles Caleb Colton

Happiness cant buy money. –Bob Hope

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

–Lazarus Long Time Enough For Love

We survived the 1980s. Back then, the economic program was
called trickle down. That actually meant they were pissing
on you. How the whole theory goes was this: We have all the
money. If we drop some, its yours. Go for it. –Bill Maher

If the nations economists were laid end to end, they would point in all directions.
–Arthur H. Motley

Certainly there are things in life that money cant buy, but its very funny — Did you ever try buying then without money?
–Ogden Nash

In spite of the cost of living, its still popular.
–Kathy Norris

The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, its just a tired feeling.
–Paula Poundstone

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
–F. J. Raymond

Money cant buy happiness but it will get you a better class of memories.
–Ronald Reagan

Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. Its rational
and always works the same way. –Jerold Rochwald

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
–Will Rogers

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. –Howard Scott

The breakfast of champions is not cereal, its the opposition. –Nick Seitz

My mistake was buying stock in the company. Now Im worried
about the lousy work Im turning out. –Marvin Townsend

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
–Mark Twain

Im opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the same opportunity.
–Mark Twain

If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
–Earl Wilson

Ive got all the money Ill ever need if I die by four oclock.
–Henny Youngman

If poverty is a blessing in disguise, the disguise is perfect. –Henny Youngman

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
–Unknown

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
–Unknown

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
–Unknown

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
–Unknown

While money cant buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
–Unknown

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the
human intelligence long enough to get money from it. –Unknown

So wives and significant others get a break! Barbecues are not allowed! Rolaids are!

SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS

Kitchen closed – this chick has had it!
Martha Stewart doesnt live here!
Im creative; you cant expect me to be neat too!
So this isnt Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
Ring Bell for Maid Service … If no answer do it yourself!
I clean house every other day … Today is the other day!
If you write in the dust, please dont date it!
I would cook dinner but I cant find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
COOK CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you dont like my standards of cooking … lower your standards.
You may touch the dust in this house … but please dont write in it!
Apology … Although youll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesnt always look like this: Some days its even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
If we are what we eat, then Im easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.
Gardening forever … Housework, never!
Dull women have immaculate houses.