Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if you prefer car keys to Q-Tips!

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.

Deja Moo:

The feeling that youve heard this bullshit before.

Q. What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barrs husband have in common?
A. They both enjoy fucking pigs.

Un apostador empedernido estaba en el hipódromo cuando vio que un cura entraba al área de establos con uno de los propietarios, y bendecía a uno de los caballos. En la carrera siguiente el caballo llegó en primer lugar. Intrigado, comenzó a observar que esto se repetía con frecuencia, así que decidió arriesgar todos sus ahorros. Al día siguiente siguió los movimientos del cura y apostó todo al caballo que acababa de visitar.

Llegó la carrera esperada y el caballo elegido no sólo no ganó, sino que llegó en último lugar, mucho muy lejos de los demás. Terriblemente acongojado, el apostador buscó al cura y le rogó que le dijera que es lo que había salido mal.

El sacerdote suspiró, y dijo: Ah, es una lástima. Ese es el problema por no saber distinguir entre una bendición y una extremaunción.

Three little black boys sitting on a porch. The first little black boy says, What would you do with a million dollars? The second boy said, Id buy that blue Cadillac over there. The third little boy said, Id buy the pink Cadillac siiting over there. Then the third little boy asked the first what hed do with the money. The first boy replied, Id cover myself in hair. The other two asked why? and he said because my sister has a(2 x 2) patch of hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

164. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.

A boy was at a public pool. The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, Hey! Dont pee in the pool! The boy replied, But everybody does it! Not from the diving board! shouted the lifeguard.

The first worm says, What kind of day is it?



The other worm says, You know, I dont know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out.



The first worm says, Thats a good idea. Why dont you do that.



So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt.



At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.



The first one says, Jeez, I gotta wiz.



Her friend says, Well, its very early. Theres nobody else here on the course.



Do it right here. Nobody will know.



The first lady says, You think so? Right here?



Her friend says, Yeah. Why not?



She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats.



Shes just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched. Hes dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and hes soaking wet.



The first worm looks at him and says, Oh, its raining, huh?



The second worm says, Not only is it raining, but its raining so hard the stupid birds are building their nests upside-down!

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.

My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that! said young Harry.

Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men… so lick that! Tommy said.

Thats nothing! declared little Johnny. My dad hasnt wiped his ass in 10 years… so lick that!