So the eye doctor says to the Asian woman: Im sorry mamm,
you have a cataract
And she replies, No I dont! I have a Rincoln Continentol!
14
Dec
14
Dec
Girl to Doctor: Doctor, Help! My brother thinks hes a chicken! Doctor: How long has this been going on?
Girl: About a year. Doctor: Wow! Why didnt you tell me sooner?
Girl: Because we needed the eggs!
14
Dec
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands werent met.
14
Dec
This was taken from the Gwinnett Daily News on 11/26/90:
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was
going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
I was only going 40! the driver protested.
Not according to my radar, the trooper said.
Yes, I was! the man shouted back.
No you werent! the trooper said.
With that, the mans wife leaned toward the window and said, Officer, I
should warn you not to argue with my husband when hes been drinking.
14
Dec
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husbands clothes and she let a big fart.
She looked up and said: Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!
14
Dec
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
Whats the matter? asked his wife. Did I hurt you?
No, replies the man, but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.
13
Dec
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
13
Dec
Tocan a la puerta, y la dueña de la casa ordena:
MarÃa, abre la puerta y me dices quien es.
La criada se dirige a abrir la puerta y tarda una eternidad. Como a la media hora regresa.
MarÃa, ¿por qué tardaste tanto? Dime quien tocó la puerta.
Un testÃculo, siño
¡Cómo que un testÃculo!
SÃ, un testÃculo, desos que andan con un librito abajo del brazo, siño.
No, MarÃa, no se llaman testÃculos son Testigos de Jehová; no seas grosera…
Pues por eso, siñora, testÃculo ya ve que esos se quieren meter a güevo.
13
Dec
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! Well stripmine the other planets later.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
13
Dec
Law Of The Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.