Old and New Jokes

Three hang-glider pilots, one from New Zealand, one from South Africa, and the other from Australia, are sitting around a campfire near Ayers Rock embroiled in a conversation of bravado.

Andy, from Australia, says, I must be the meanest an toughest hang-glider dude there is, maan. Shit, just the other day, I landed in a field on top of a croc who got loose from the swamp an had ate six men before I wrestled it to the ground an snapped its neek with me bare hands.

Jaapie, from South Africa, couldnt stand to be bettered. While the froth at the corner of Andys mouth settled, he stood up and said, Well you guys leesin to this. After a 300 km flight, I landed in the middle of the desert and a five-metre Namibian desert snake came at me from under a rock. I grebbed thet bastard with mar bare hands and beet its head off end sucked its poison down in one go. End Im still here today.

The Kiwi remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his dick.

You might be a redneck if…

When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into Americas Most Wanted.

You own more than two clappers.

You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.

Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wifes car, but no blade.

You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.

You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.

You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.

Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.

The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels over yonder in them hills.

Your mustache is longer than your wifes hair.

Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.

Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.

City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.

You think Tang is in the fruit group.

You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABCs.

Youve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.

Doctor, this should not be possible, he said, Im the Pope, and Im celibate! I havent had one of these for 30 years!



The doctors reply was, Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time.



The Pope exclaimed But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isnt going away!



The doctor replied You have two options … either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself.



Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknown to him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away. The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up.



The paparazzo shouts out, Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?



Upon refection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world.



Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, Ill lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!



The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?



Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peters, with the offending camera around his neck. Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:





Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope, says the man, how much you pay for it?



Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie, he replies, I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it.



Ah, says the Japanese gentleman, look like someone saw you coming!

Definition of USMC

Uncle Sams Misguided Childern

Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog. Well then, youre a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him, Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck.Good luck, Joe said,hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later. That evening, Bob came back to Joes, and Joe came out to meet them. Well, how many did you get?, Joe asked. We didnt get any Bob shouted. Thats unbelievable Joe exclaimed. Bob said,Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that shit.

Fine day to work off some excess energy.

Steal something heavy.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?

The joystick is wet and theres white out on the screen!

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks: What do you like best about it?

The artwork, says Robert.

Very good. And you, Peter?

Tits!

Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?

Im leaving, teacher, Im leaving.