Old and New Jokes

She was so blonde…

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told me to meet her at the corner of walk and dont walk.

She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, youd get change back.

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

Under education on her job application, she put Hooked On Phonics.

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says sign here, she put Sagittarius.

She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.

If she spoke her mind, shed probably be speechless.

She studied for a blood test… and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

Un hombre iba salir pero no sabía si irse a pie o irse en guagua. Si se iba a pie no pasaba nada, pero si se iba en guagua tenía dos opciones: encontrar asiento o irse parado.

Si no se sentaba no pasaba nada, pero si sentaba tenía dos opciones: sentarse al lado de un hombre o de una mujer.

Si se sentaba al lado de un hombre no pasaba nada, pero si sentaba con una mujer tenía dos opciones: entablar conversación o no.

Si no hablaban no pasaba nada, pero si hablaban tenía dos opciones: que se casaran o que no se casaran.

Si no se casaban no pasaba nada, pero si se casaban tenía dos opciones: mudarse a un primer piso o a un segundo piso.

Si se mudaban a la primera planta no pasaba nada, pero si se mudaban a la segunda planta tenía dos opciones: tirarse o no.

Si no se tiraba no pasaba nada, pero si se tiraba tenía dos opciones: irse al cielo o al infierno.

Si iba al cielo no pasaba nada, pero si iba al infierno tenía dos opciones: que hiciera mucho frío o que hiciera demasiado calor.

Si hacía mucho frío no pasaba nada, pero si hacía demasiado calor tenía dos opciones: beberse una Coca Cola o un 7-Up.

Si bebía Coca Cola no pasaba nada, pero si tomaba 7-Up… ¡La diferencia es clara!

Satélite nuestro que estás en el cielo,

acelerado sea tu link.

Venga a nosotros tu hipertexto.

Hágase tu conexión,

así en lo real como en lo virtual.

Danos hoy nuestro download de cada día.

Perdona el café sobre el teclado,

así como nosotros perdonamos las malas conexiones de nuestro servidor.

No nos dejes caer la conexión

y líbranos, Monitor, de todo los virus.

Amén.

Q: Why dont birds wear underwear?

A: Because their peckers are on their faces

A young boy was in grade four and was having a terrible time with his math.

His parents worked with him night after night but there was no improvement.



His math marks were dismal. His parents in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school. They decided to try the Catholic school system but not until after they had given the matter serious consideration as both parents were not religious.



They checked around and the school seemed to have a good academic record. They reluctantly enrolled their son in the Catholic school. Immediately the boys math marks soared. He went from a failing grade to become an A student.



His parents were surprised at the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his improvement. Was it better teaching they asked and the boy said No the teachers are about the same. Was it a different text book? Again the boy said No it is the same text book



Finally they asked their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement.



The boy said the first day I went to school I knew they took their math seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious consequences.



Their parents asked what made him realize the school took math so seriously.



The boy answered the first thing I saw when I went into the classroom was a statue of some guy nailed to a plus sign.

(Outdated, but still fun.)

DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz.
can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after its
no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered
by many to be a light beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one
from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you
call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that you dont need to know. A
notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
The worlds most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac
Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to
drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few
of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at
the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will
explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but
somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans wont explode when you open them, even
if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the
manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
You cant buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim
its wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beers can, but tastes more like
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans
only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it.
The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this
is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes
most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just
like Windows 3.1 Beers, but the company promises to change the can to look just
like Windows 95 Beers – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an
industrial strength beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that
all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break
off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around
for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of
instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by
some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never
really sold very well because the original manufacturer didnt understand
marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud
group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.
When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but
the design hasnt changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics
of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments.
When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, youre told that is
proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the
FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians Desk Reference as
a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

Winners of the worst analogies ever written in a high school essay contest:

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldnt.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when youre on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
(Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like Second Tall Man.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigans teeth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
(Unknown)

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called of his squires: Im leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wifes chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I havent returned, you may use the key.

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY.

Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry?

A: Booger King!!!

A man goes into the psychiatrists office and tells the doctor that he needs help over comming an obsession. All I think about, day and night, is fucking a sheep. Its driving me nuts.

I see, said the doctor. Would that sheep be a ram or a ewe?

Why a ewe of course, replied the patient indignantly. What do you think I am, a pervert or something?