Old and New Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the blind circumcisor?

A: He got the sack.

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now Im afraid to pee.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hes got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, Whats in the bags?

Sand, answered Juan.

The guard says, Well just see about that – get off the bike!

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the mans shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, What have you got?

Sand, says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, Juan doesnt show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

Hey, Buddy, says the guard, I know you are smuggling something. Its driving me crazy. Its all I think about…..

I cant sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?

Juan sips his beer and says, Bicycles.

Manolo le confía a Venancio:

Hombre, no se lo digas a nadie pero estoy engañando a mi esposa.

Pero, ¿cómo es eso de que estás engañando a tu esposa?

Sí, fíjate que ayer la encontré en mi cama con otro hombre.

¡Pues no que tú eres el que la está engañando!, exclama sorprendido Venancio.

Sí, es que ella todavía no sabe que yo sé.

Un hombre entra a la ferrtería y pregunta:

Señor, ¿tiene clavos?

No, no tengo, responde el vendedor

¿Y pintura?

La verdad es que tampoco tengo.

¿Y un serrucho?

Mire señor, para serle franco, no tenemos nada.

Molesto, el cliente le reclama:

Bueno, ¿y entonces por qué no cierra?

¡Porque no tengo candados!

Van dos sacerdotes caminando por la calle y en sentido contrario viene una bella mujer que se está pudriendo de lo buenota que está. De pronto sopla el viento, le levanta la falda y se le ven unos carnosos muslos y una cadera suculenta.

Padre, ¿usted no es sensible a estas situaciones? dice uno de los sacerdotes.

¡Hermano, si la sotana fuera de hierro usted hubiese quedado sordo del campanazo!

One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking tea and having crumpets.

The first midget says to the other two, You know, I think I have the smallest hands in the world. He continues, and I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records and try to get in the book!



The second midget replies with, You know, now that you mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world. I think Ill go with you and try to get into the record book, too!



The third midget joins in with, Im going too because I think I have the smallest penis in the world. Lets go!



So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of World Records.



When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. I made it! They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest in the world. Im in the record book!!



The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very excited. I made it too! They measured my feet and sure enough, they are the smallest in the world. Im in the record book, too!!



The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a rather forlorn look on his face.



Whats the matter?, his friends asked.



The third midget responds with Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?!!











Note to this joke: You can insert anyones (male) name in place of Bill Clinton. Try it on your best friend!!!!!!!

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk youd better be delivering a package, because youre sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please dont take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a Barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why dontyou do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Announce that you are taking pictures for the yearbook.