Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

En una iglesia llega una monja corriendo y gritando, y se encuentra con la madre superiora, que está toda despeinada y con el hábito roto, y le dice:

Madre superiora, me pasó algo terrible, ¡mire como me dejó una avispa!

Eso no es nada, le dice la madre superiora, ¡mira como me dejo el obispo!

Se casan dos negros. La negra le dice a la mama:

Mamá, fíjate que la cagué.

¿Por qué, mija?

Pues yo le dije a este negro bastardo que yo era virgen y yo hace rato que no.

Vos sos muy bruta no, te va tocar ir al supermercado a comprarte un taco de dinamita pequeñito, te lo metes por la cuca y cuando el negro te meta eso, esa vaina explota, y el negro te pregunta: ¡Qué fue eso! y vos le decís, eso fue mi virginidad que se fue para el cielo.

Cuando la negra va a el super sólo encontro un tacote el berraco de grande y se lo metió todo en la cuca.

En la Noche se lo clava el negro y !!!!BUUUMMMM!!! y el negro:

¿Qué fue eso?

Fue mi virginidad que se fue al cielo.

Pues ve bajando a esa hijueputa que se me llevó la verga.

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, Lord, Im sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian.



Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastors feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, God, bless this food which I am about to receive.

Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:

– A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.



– A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least– during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as The Human Couch.



– The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.



– A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the ladys 78-year old daughter that her mother didnt make it. Didnt make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!



– A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from crank (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly You mean like having sex with our dog?



– A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasnt able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and gagged myself to vomit but couldnt vomit it up either.

Ive told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating.

1.) Man: Havent we met before? Woman: Yes, I was the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

2.) Man: So, wanna go back to my place? Woman: Well, I dont know.

Will two people fit under a rock?

3.) Man: Id really like to get into your pants.

Woman: No thanks. Theres already one asshole in there.

4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who

used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:

Man: Want to Dance?

Woman: No, thank you.

Man: Dont thank me, thank God because somebody asked you.

5.) Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?

Woman: Its in the phone book.

Man: But I dont know your name.

Woman: Thats in the phone book too.

6.) Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Female impersonator.

7.) Man: You know, Id really love to travel to exotic places with you.

Woman: (tries to ignore him)

Man: You know what? I also love sex.. What do you say to that?

Woman: Hmmm you really love sex and travel?

Man: (nods his head smiling)

Woman: Then go take a fuckin hike!!!

8.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, Can you pound a railroad

spike through a 2×4 with your hard-on? To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, Well, a girls gotta have her standards.

9.) Man: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)

Woman: Je voudrais bien, mais je nai rien a porter.

(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

10.) Q: What sign were you born under?

A: No Parking.

11.Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized, fuck off!

12.) After hearing a pick-up line:

Woman: I like your approach, now lets see your departure.

13.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60s approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, Where have you been all my life? She took one glance at him and said, For the first half of it, I probably wasnt born yet.

14.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, What are you looking at? My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.

15.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their passes had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once.

When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason!

She responded, Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!

He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

16.) The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move.

Im here, he breathed huskily, to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates.

She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, Well is it the size of donkey or Doberman?

Q: Whats a blondes idea of safe sex?

A: Locking the car door.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear

paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep

shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouses armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retriev cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid

cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind

tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from

shed. Force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while

doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from

right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?

Its the one with bite marks on the cap.