Old and New Jokes

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!
If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, theyll hate me forever, he thought. So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he snuck inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.Did you hear that Fluffy died? the neighbor asked.
Oh. Uhmm… Sorry to hear that. What happened? Chris mumbled. The neighbor replied: We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the

day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When youre swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, thats a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Gordons Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.

World Wide Wait

Why is Ray Charles always smiling?

He doesnt know he is black!

Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Dont tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the drivers side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
I cant believe how materialistic you lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else.
How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, Dont you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.
Ahhh! screamed the lawyer. Wheres my Rolex!"

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities throughout the world.
Physical properties: Surface usually covered with a painted field and a variety of esthers. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. Melts when given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in states varying from virgin metal to common ore. Yields to pressure applied at correct points. Chemical properties: Has a genuine affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of attention. VOLATILE: May explode without warning for no apparent reason. Insoluble in water, but activity greatly increased with alcohol. Most common uses: Primarily ornamental, especially in sports cars. Found to be a great aid to relaxation. Tests: Pure specimen turns rosey pink when discovered in its natural state. Turns green when placed next to a fresher specimen. Hazards: Hard to retain when left in inexperienced hands. Illegal (not to mention deadly) to possess more than one at a time.

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?

My name is Elizabeth, the woman replied.

The intruder said, You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I cant kill you.

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, What is your name?

My names Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth.

Bill Clinton is walking a dog around the White House lawn early one morning.

He walks it past the guards post, and the marine says Mr. President, is that a new dog?

Clinton smiles, and replies, Why yes, I got it for my wife.

The marine looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, Excellent trade.