A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat rowing and rowing. She stops the car, rolls down the window, and yells, "You know its blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!" Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim Id come out there and punch you out!"
04
Dec
03
Dec
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
Hed toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughters date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, Thats wonderful. Isnt he smart? What do you think hes going to be when he grows older?!
The father replies From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!
03
Dec
Here are some actual bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:
HONK! If you had sex with the President
Clinton: We forgive you…Now Resign!
Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency
Adultery IS NOT a family value
Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student
Jail to the Chief
Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President
The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility
If his private life doesnt matter, let him date your daughter.
Save the President: Legalize Perjury
Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail
Clinton: Our Nations Fondling Father
03
Dec
How do you make a blonde go crazy?
Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!
03
Dec
Q:what did the deer say to the man?
A:stop shooting my family bitch
03
Dec
It is possible to amuse the cat.
03
Dec
A: Is it mine?
03
Dec
Have you heard about the latest 12 step group for compulsive talkers?
Its called … On and On Anon
02
Dec
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart
So the Director says, Very well, you can be Mozart Then he turns to Arnie and says Arnie, who would you like to play ?
And Arnie says Ahll be Bach!
02
Dec
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, Ill take this option.
Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!
Thats what everyone thinks, snickered Satan. The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasnt…
What about the PC?
Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan. And its missing three keys.
Which three?
Control, Alt and Delete.