A Chinese couple is in bed one night, when the man gives his
wife an elbow and says, May-Ling, how about a little 69. Im
in the mood for some 69.
Shut-up and go back to sleep, groans
his wife.
Come on, you know I like 69, and for that matter, so
do you!
What time is it?
1:30.
You want me to get up
at this hour and make beef and broccoli for the two of us?
[Attributed to Rabbi Boruch Lipsky]
[Ed: And reportedly also in Playboy]
This guy goes into a doctors and says, Doctor, doctor youve gotta help me. I just cant stop having sex!
Well how often do you have it? the doctor asks.
Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day, he answers back.
Thats not so much, says the doctor. Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day, replies the man.
Well that is probably a bit excessive, says the doctor. Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day, says the man.
Well, thats definitely too much, says the doctor. Youve got to learn to take yourself in hand. I do, says the man. Twice a day!
President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, How come the
Jews know everything before we do?
The CIA chief says, Its simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus
Tutzuch (English translation: Whats Happening). They just ask each
other and thats how they find out everything.
Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to
see how this system works.
So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.)
as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New
York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly
dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyns most Jewish
neighborhoods.
As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old
Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers
Nu, Vus Tutzuch?
The old guy whispers back, Did you hear that Bush is in Brooklyn?
A: Her IQ goes up.
MEGA MORON AWARDS
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicles license plate still attached to the bumper.
Una mujer de 25 años le cuenta a una amiga sobre su matrimonio con un señor de 65.
Es tan caballero: me trae flores todos los dÃas, me regala bombones, me lleva de paseo, fuimos de vacaciones a Hawai, me compra ropa todas las semanas, cine, teatro, cenas en los mejores restaurantes, joyas, etc.
¿Y en la cama?, pregunta la amiga.
En la cama hacemos el tratamiento.
¿Cuál tratamiento?
Él trata y yo miento.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Haydn!
Haydn who?
Haydn in this cupboard is boring!
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the Vacant sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.–Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didnt get taller girls?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Copied from Ann Landers Column:
Dear Ann Landers: My next-door neighbor is my dearest friend. Yesterday, over coffee at my kitchen table, she seemed quite upset with her husband, Jerry. It is a well-known fact that he has been running around on her for years, so I asked her if she had ever considered a divorce. She said, Divorce – never. But murder? Yes.
She continued, Last night, I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night – a common occurrence. I didnt want to turn on the light for fear of waking Jerry, so I groped my way, as I have done many times before. When I reached my destination, I poised myself to be seated and fell right into the bowl. It seems my darling husband, for the millionth time, had left the seat up.
I listened patiently, trying my darnedest not to laugh. I could tell she didnt see anything funny about it. Finally, she said, I wonder what Ann Landers would say. I told her I would write and ask. So, dear Ann, how about it? – Louisville, Ky.
Dear Louisville: Please make sure your neighbor sees this column. I just read about a contraption equipped with intelligent sensors that can tell if the seat is up or down. It sells at hardware stores for $29.99. It is actually a night light that attaches to the bowl and glows red if the seat is up and green if the seat is down.
The people who are marketing this unique item say it is very popular. I have not seen one, but for some married couples, it might be worth the investment.
Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advise columnist.
A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, Its idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!