A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the barber shop. The man said, How about a date later?
Im married, she answered.
With a wink he said, So, just tell him youre going out with your girlfriends.
Tell him yourself, she said, hes shaving you.
Yo mama so ugly they didnt give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?
The little boy nodded yes.
So, the coach continued, when a strike is called, or youre out at first, you dont argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.
Good, said the coach, now go over there and explain it to your mother.
The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patients balls a vicious pinch.
The pinch was administered, the nervous patients mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed.
Didnt hurt, did it? asked the dentist.
Not too much, replied the patient, but who would have thought the root went that deep?!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tolkien!
Tolkien who?
Tolkiens get you on the subway!
Honolulu – its got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. — Ken Dodd
If you are asked to join a parade, dont march behind the elephants.
THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You dont have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person youre with doesnt fantasize youre someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it wont last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks youre kinky.
3. Doesnt matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex…
1. IF YOU DONT GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
Dear Readers: If You can use a few good laughs today, try these quotes:
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
– Jackie Mason
Your manuscript is both good and original. But the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
– Samuel Johnson
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
A critic is a man who knows the way, but cant drive the car.
– Kenneth Tynan
France is a country where the money falls apart but you cant tear the toilet paper.
– Billy Wilder
The above quotes are from the book The Other 637 Best Things Anybody Ever
Said by Robert Byrne (published by Atheneum). Its $10.95, and worth every cent.
Found on the seal of a bag of bagels: NEW IMPROVED / Made the old fashioned way
From Harpers Magazine: Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75
On a story about the discovery of a 20-million-year-old bear-dog den: Den of Antiquity Uncovered
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. Theyll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobodys home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter