Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Penn students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but hell make sure its on his resume.

Note: Penn is seen as being a little less academically rigorous than the others, and its very preprofessional.

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, Im going to the pub. Get your coat on.

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?



The husband replies, No – Im turning the heating off.

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldnt afford to feed it. Hed never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,
000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. Hes carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,
000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.

Hed never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, no. Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, Remember me? The elephant nods yes.

The man then holds up his bat and says, Want me to use this again? The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no….

Because its worth it.

Santa Singh is the aggresive participant on Kaun Banega..

Amitabh: Santaji, 5 sawal ka jawab diye to Rs. 10,000 jeetiye. 15 jawab par 1 crore! Aapke paas teen lifeline hain. Ek hazaar rupee ke liye aapka pehla sawaal:
Who is Indias Prime Minister? A: Vajpayee B: Advani C: Zail Singh D: Amrish Puri?

Santa Singh: Vajpayee.

Amitabh: Sure?

Santa Singh: Yes, sure.

Amitabh: Confident?

Santa Singh: Yes

Amitabh: Absolutely sure?

Santa Singh: Yes Amitji.

Amitabh: Lock kar dein?

Santa Singh: Yes.

Amitabh: Sahee jawab! Aap ek hazaar rupee jeet gaye hain!

Santa Singh: Oye! Saale, ullu mat banaa! Paanch jawab diye hain puray dus hazaar nikaal!

SON: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

FATHER: I dont know, son, Im still paying for it.

A Jewish grandmother was pushing her grandson in a stroller along the edge of the surf on the beach. Suddenly, a giant wave swelled up and crashed over the two of them, taking the little boy out to sea. The grandmother threw her hands up and shouted, Oh, G*d! Oh, G*d! Dont let this happen! Bring back my little bushkin! I cant live without him! I beg you, please!


With that, the wave returned and the little boy was placed at his grandmothers feet. She scooped him up in her arms, looked up to heaven and said, He had a hat!

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: Oh, $40 a year isnt too bad.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said DONT WALK.

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you cant stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey – you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Whos next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha cant have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going….
M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex Condoms: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack Condoms: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack Condoms: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condoms: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.