Old and New Jokes

The Los Angeles Times recently reported that Playboy founder Hugh Hefner spent $4.5 million for a 5,500-square-foot house near his existing home, the infamous Playboy Mansion.

Lets think about this for a moment: Hef already has a home with a grotto. A grotto! What could be better than that? What might Mr. Hefner be planning to install in this new home?

Jacuzzi fluid reprocessing station
Place for Anna Nicole to stay that is vomit-safe
Empty field for burying ruptured implants
Holding tank for sweaty, crotch-tugging pals of Leo DiCaprio
Genetics lab dedicated to breaking the two breast rule
Laundering facilities specializing in stained leopard prints
Doll house for doll family sculpted from used collagen
Enormous art project utilizing hair skimmed from grotto

by Christopher Painter

Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the
world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for
companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?

The Fairy Godmother replied, Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a
good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you
three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and
almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish, I wish I was
wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap
and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!

The Fairy Godmother replied, Its the least I can do. What does your
heart wish for your second wish?

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, I wish I were
young and full of the beauty of youth again.

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage
returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant
for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course
through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, You have one more wish, what
will you have?

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said,
I wish you to transform Alan, my old cat, into a beautiful and
handsome young man.

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so
beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair
indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy
your new life. And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each others
eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly
perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with
his warm breath, I bet you regret having me neutered now, dont you?

A woman goes to a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot with a sign that says: Talking parrot, $20. She asks the owner why such an exotic animal is only $20. The owner says, Well, the parrot used to live in a house of prostitution, and Im not sure what sort of things he might say. The lady buys the parrot thinking it is worth the risk. She takes the parrot home, sets up his cage, and the parrot looks around and says, New house, new madam. The lady laughs, then her daughter comes home. The parrot says, New house, new madam, new girl. The lady explains the story to her daughter and they both laugh. The womans husband comes home, and the parrot says, New house, new madam, new girl, hello Steve.

How many polish people does it take to milk a cow?

9, four to hold the legs, four to hold the udders, and one to tell them when to move the cow up and down.

Microsoft Announces a Major Corporate Diversification
Into the Car Making Business.

The major design criteria are:

Economies in interior design are based upon uniform size back-sides
seats are all the same size and standard distance from the steering wheel.
The cars will only run on Microsoft petrol (Microsoft LP Gas will be
announced soon ..)
The oil, alternator, low-fuel and engine management system warning
lights will be replaced by a single General Car Protection Fault
warning light.
Delivery strategy is such that the consumer is under constant
pressure to upgrade (modestly priced upgrade kits will be available
either dealer fitted or self install). Support for self install is
an extra cost option, cost based upon the number of calls and the
number of callers.
You can only have one person in the car at a time, unless you buy
Car95 or CarNT but having bought one of these, you still need to
purchase more seats.
Occasionally, for no reason at all, the car will die for no apparent
reason and restarting is a simple turn of the key .. strangely, this
is accepted as normal.
Every time the lines on your normal road are repainted, you must buy
a new MS Car
People would get excited about the new features of the Microsoft
car, forgetting that the same features have been available from other
car makers for years …..
and not to forget
Sun MicroSystems will make a car that is solar-powered, twice as
reliable, five times as fast but will only run on 5% of currently
constructed roads.

Why is the United States so windy?

Because Canada sucks and Mexico blows!

You might be a redneck if…
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

Give a man a fish, and youll feed him for a day;

Give him a religion, and hell starve to death, while praying for a fish.

Office work dull?…

None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?…

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution

ONE-POINT GAGS Run one lap around the office at top speed Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one othernon-player must be in the bathroom at the time) When theyre not looking, pour most of someones fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew. Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say Just called to say I cant talk right now. Bye To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good! Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, Sorry, I really prefer it this way Walk sideways to the photcopier. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open

THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, I like your style and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask Did you get All that, I dont want to have to repeat it Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight). Shout random numbers while someone is counting

FIVE POINT GAGS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to go do number two After every sentence, say mon in a really bad Jamacian accent,as in, the reports on your desk, mon. Keep this up for one hour While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up! At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce As God is my witness, Ill never go hungry again. In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: See how I look in tights Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask You wanna trade? Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, I can talk about it Posing as a maitre d, call a colleague and tell him hes won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets