Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if your senior prom had a daycare!

I dont know if some of these have been posted here before, so here goes…

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?

A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How does a blonde spell farm?

A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?

A: She drowns it.

Q: A blonde is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?

A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?

A: She thought it was diet-coke.

Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?

A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?

A: The noise was giving her a headache.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?

A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?

A: So you dont have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?

A: Every time she stopped the car, she jumped in the back seat.

Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

A: She opens the car door.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown?

A: Artificial Intelligence.

Q: What do you call a brunette between management & a blonde?

A: An interpreter.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Un misionero que había pasado años enseñando a los nativos a cultivar la tierra y a ser autosuficientes, se entera de que lo van a transferir a otro lugar. Entonces piensa que lo único que nunca les enseñó es a hablar el español, así que toma al Jefe y comienza a caminar con él en la jungla. El misionero apunta a un árbol y le dice al Jefe: Esto es un árbol.

El Jefe mira al árbol y dice, Arbol. El misionero sonríe satisfecho con la respuesta.

Caminan un poco más y el misionero señala una roca y dice, Esto es una roca.

El Jefe dice, Roca.

En eso oyen un ruido entre los arbustos y cuando se asoman ven a una pareja en plena actividad romántica. El misionero se pone nervioso y dice, Pedalear la bicicleta.

El Jefe mira a la pareja por un momento, toma su lanza y los mata. El misionero se enfurece y grita al jefe que ha pasado años enseñándoles como ser civilizados y amables unos con otros, así que cómo podía él matar a esas personas a sangre fría como si nada.

El Jefe responde: Mi bicicleta.

How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?



A Buccaneer!

Sung to the tune of American Pie
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile

What Id do when I had the chance
Is get myself a cash advance
And add another tech stock to the pile.

But Alan Greenspan made me shiver
With every speech that he delivered

Bad news on the rate front
Still Id take one more punt

I cant remember if I cried
When I heard about the CPI
I lost my fortune and my pride
The day that NASDAQ died

So bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now Im gettin calls for margin
Cause my cash accounts dry

Its just two weeks from a new all-time high
And now were right back where we were in July

Were right back where we were in July

Did you buy stocks you never heard of?
QCOM at 150 or above?
Cos George Gilder told you so

Now do you believe in Home Depot?
Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio?
And can you teach me whats a P/E ratio?

Well, I know that you were leveraged too
So you cant just take a long-term view

Your broker shut you down
No more margin could be found

I never worried on the whole way up
Buying dot coms from the back of a pickup truck
But Friday I ran out of luck

It was the day the NAAAASDAQ died

I started singin
Bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now Im gettin calls for margin
Cause my cash accounts dry

Its just two weeks from a new all-time high

And now were right back where we were in July
Yeah were right back where we were in July

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Guide to talking Teksun: A pronouncing gazeteer.

Mericanas in:Merican flag
Bawlas in: Take me out to the bawl game
Braykas in: Don brayk ma haht
Caweras in: Goin to the cawer warsh
Evurwonsinawhalas in: Everwonsinawhal I tak a shahr
Faras in: She rilly lahts ma far
Lahas in: Donchew lah to me
Nukularas in: Nukular par
Paras in: Lectic par
Renchas in: Aftu yall warsh the dishes ya gotta rench em.
Warshsee rench

One day, a little boy went to his father daddy, is God male or female? and his father answered Well son, God is both male and female.Then the boy asked Daddy, is God black or white? and his father answered well son, God is both black and white.Then the boy asked Daddy, is God gay or straight? and his father said well son, God is both gay and straight.The boy was quiet for a while and seemed to be thinking. Finally he broke the silence by saying Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?

A man calls his lawyers office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.

The receptionist replies, Im sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week. The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor. The receptionist says, Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died. The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer. The receptionist gets angry and says Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?

The man then answers I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office.