Old and New Jokes

He has a small piece of brain lodged in his skull

You Might be a Michigander……

If you define Summer as three months of bad sledding….
If your definition of a small town is one that doesnt have a lake….
If your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any
sport!)…
If snow tires come standard on all your cars….
If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry….
If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week….
If you can identify an Ohio accent….
If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town…..
If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your
bike….
If you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder….
If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you
grew up….
If you dont understand what the big deal about Chicago is….
If someone aks you if youve been to Europe and you answer, No, but Ive
been to Ann Arbor….
If Down South to you means Toledo….
If you have any idea who Bob Ufer was…..
If octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and
baseball…
If traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon…
If you think going up north would be a great vacation….in January….
If you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as trolls or
lopers…
If the Big Three can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Dominos,
Little Ceasars and Hungry Howies…
If a Big Mac is something you can drive across….
If you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island….
If you had to get a passport to go to Ohio….
If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones…
If your kids baseball and softball games have ever been snowed out…
If the trees in your backyard have spigots….
If you know that a place called Kalamazoo really exists….
If you bake with soda and drink pop…
If you know what a pastie is…
If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right….
If your favorite hockey teams mascot is an octopus…
If you have a favorite hockey team…
If you dont have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernors…
If you know how to play Euchre…

What do you call a good looking packi?

asif.

According to a trade association of prostitutes in Harare, Zimbabwe, massive layoffs in the economy have led to an oversupply of women taking up prostitution and a reduction in mens spending power, causing them either to ignore prostitutes or to visit bars only to drink and flirt before going home to the wife.

To save their jobs, the association recommended in January that prostitutes raise their price from about $2.80 to about $4.60 but also requested that wives loosen the purse strings to allow husbands to spend more when they go out.

Well, its getting to be summer camp time, here in the good ol USA, and one of the legendary requirements is the eternal letter home. Heres an example provided me by a dear friend, trinette.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chads mother and tell her he is OK. He cant write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasnt for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didnt hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blowup? The wet wood didnt burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. And John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasnt his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; thats probably why he cant get insurance. We think its a neat car. He doesnt care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Dont worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isnt any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldnt let me because I cant swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isnt crabby like some scoutmasters. He didnt even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. Im so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Dont worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Jordie

P.S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tennessee!
Tennessee who?
Tennessee is played at Wimbledon!

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind
which way it wants to go.

Smile. . . tomorrow will be worse.

(Our pastor told us this one. I dont know where it came from.)

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew
apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with
anyone, not even each other.

The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for
advice. Father, he said, I am deeply concerned about the success of
my marriage. His father replied, Dont you love this girl? Oh yes,
very much, he said, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and Im
afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them. No problem, said dad,
all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always
wear socks, even to bed. Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up
with her mom. Mom, she said, when I wake up in the morning my breath
is truly awful. Honey, her mother consoled, everyone has bad breath
in the morning. No, you dont understand. My morning breath is so bad,
Im afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with
me. Her mother said simply, Try this. In the morning, get straight out
of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is
busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is,
not to say a word until youve brushed your teeth. I shouldnt say
good morning or anything? the daughter asked. Not a word, her mother
affirmed. Well, its certainly worth a try, she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice
each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning
silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of
his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically
searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking,
she immediately asks, What on earth are you doing?

Oh, my, he replies, youve swallowed my sock!

There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So she prayed to God and prayed and prayed, and eventually she got an answer — God told her that every time someone said pardon me to her, her boobs would get a little bit bigger. So she was in the grocery store and someone bumped into her and said pardon me and her boobs got bigger. Then she was in the parking lot and someone hit her car and they said pardon me and her boobs got a little bigger. That night this lady was in a restaurant, and a waiter tripped over her and spilled his food everywhere. He said Oh, excuse me! A thousand pardons.
The next morning the headline in the newspaper was: Waiter killed by torpedos.