Old and New Jokes

How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

Are you crazy yelled the customer, sticking your thumb in my steak?!

What answers the waiter, You want it to fall on the floor again?

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.

The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesnt hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Brunette asks, What the hecks goin on up here? Were havin a grand time downstairs!

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says…

Yeah, but youve got a driver!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marilyn!
Marilyn who?
Marilyn is a state north of Virginia!

Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Thats what research students are for.

Redneck Sex Test

1.The clitoris is a type of flower….. True or False
2.A pubic hair is a wild rabbit…… True or False
3.Spread Eagle is an extinct bird….. True or False
4.Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack…..True or False
5.A menstrual cycle has three wheels…… True or False
6.A G-string is part of a fiddle….. True or False
7.Semen is a term for sailors…… True or False
8.Anus is a Latin term for yearly…… True or False
9.Testicles are found on an Octopus….. True or False
10.Asphalt describes rectal problems…… True or False
11.KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati….. True or False
12.Masturbate is used to catch large fish….. True or False
13.Coitus is a musical instrument…… True or False
14.Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke….. True or False
15.An umbilical chord is part of a parachute….. True or False
16.A condom is a large apartment complex….. True or False
17.An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir…. True or False
18.A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry….. True or False
19.A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle….. True or False
20.An erection is when Japanese people vote….. True or False
21.A lesbian is a person from the Middle East….. True or False
22.Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass….. True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records….. True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin…… True or False
25. Douche is the French word for twelve…… True or False

Un italiano está en el hospital esperando a que su mujer dé a luz. Un rato después sale el doctor del quirófano y le informa:

¡Han sido quintillizos!

¡Lo sabía, es que tengo un cañón!, responde orgulloso el hombre.

Pues a ver si lo limpia un poquito porque han salido todo negros.

Cierta noche, Manolo llega a su casa; pasa a la habitación; se quita la ropa y se acuesta al lado de su esposa. Antes de dormir, casualmente echa la mirada hacia los pies y se queda estupefacto:

Pilarica, ¿qué es lo que está pasando? Yo veo seis pies del otro lado de la cama.

¿Cómo puede ser? Son cuatro. Cuéntalos bien.

El hombre se levanta, se pone enfrente a la cama y se pone a contar:

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro… Oh, sí, es verdad…

Y se acuesta a dormir tranquilo.

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

Its a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMT thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and its not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. Were just misunderstood.



2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. Im fairly certain its some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take One quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.



3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. Its much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.



4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. Its actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner Frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.



5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

Youd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.



6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we dont actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. Its the Old fashioned pride in a job well done thats missing in so much of the world nowadays.



7. WHY CANT MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men And women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless were experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.



8. WHY CANT MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave…Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our arses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.



9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ARSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time there by passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by Saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.



10. WHY CANT MEN JUST SAY I LOVE YOU?

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. Its not easy to admit to ones own character faults.



11. WHY DO MEN SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Arent you special? Well, some men think its a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.



12. WHY DOESNT MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply dont have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.



13. WHY WONT MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesnt really bother us that much. Besides, we know damn well youll pick it up.



14. WHATS WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. Its our way to let youknow that were comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually asign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.



15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

Its an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying? Squiffys House of Fun