When you dress it up with silver and gold, it doesnt look like a cheap hooker.
A Christmas tree will never complain if you compare it to another bush.
A Christmas tree will stay up late, watch a porno with you, and wont say, Hey, look at the size of that dick … I didnt know they made em that big!
Christmas trees actually like when you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you have a plastic one in the closet.
It always smells fresh as a forest.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you watch football all day or go to a strip club after work.
A Christmas tree doesnt get possessive if you want to let your neighbor use your balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesnt get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesnt care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
…and forget to start again.
A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.
His father said, Son, come here. He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as its paid for, well get you a car.
The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.
A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.
Well, the father said, as soon as the tractor is paid for well see about getting you your scooter.
Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.
Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his fathers explanation, saw the farm rooster doing its rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself.
His dad asked, Son, now why would you do something like that?
He didnt do anything to deserve that.
The third son replied, Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ogre!
Ogre who?
Ogre take a flying leap!
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo — of handcuffs.
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. No, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint givin him any of mine.
Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine. Ill fight im till I run him off or kill im, but I AM KEEPIN ALL MY COWS!
Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, nad so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as bit as you fellows, yet, but I am young and verile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.
v
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: The biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.
Second Bull: Ill have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture of HIM. Im certainly not looking for an arguement.
They looked over at their young friend, the 3rd Bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting – the bulls equivalent of an Apes beating his chest or Mans bone-chilling, war-like cry of Stay away from my Woman, Jacko!
First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.
Third Bull: Hell, Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. Im just making sure he know IM A BULL!
A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup
truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge
ready to jump to his death in the river below.
The man stopped his truck, ran up to the man, and said, Hey
fellow, why are you doing this? The man replied, Well, I
have nothing to live for.
The Alabama man replied, Well, think of your wife and
children! The jumper replied, I have no wife or children.
The Alabama man then said, Well, then think of your mother
and father! The man replied, Mom and Dad passed on many
years back.
The Alabama man then said, Well, think of General
Robert E. Lee! The would-be jumper replied, Who?
With that the Alabama man said, Jump you stupid Yankee, jump!
The following are new Windows 2000 error messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)
This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off.
To shut down your system, type WIN
BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 – Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant. That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.