Old and New Jokes

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat

Whyd the lawyer go to Heaven?
Hell was full.

On the wedding day father hands a note to the groom… Which read..Goods once delivered will not be taken back Groom gives a note to the father of the bride that read…. Guarantee void if seal is broken

Good ol jokes, guaranteed 100% original, written by JonathanCaws-Elwitt (my husband):

Why couldnt the waiter deliver the soup?Because no one had signed the bill of ladling.

Cop making rounds: Is there anyone else in that car with you?Banker: No, Im a loan officer.

In Arabia, whats the best place to stay if you want to avoid the expensive hotels?At a Bedouin breakfast.

Why did the struggling actor want to play the Kaiser?Because its a big roll.

Who wears an albatross and a measuring tape around his neck?Samuel Tailor Coleridge.

What sings and dances and issues speeding tickets?A state trouper.

What does a Late Victorian dramatist use to lather his beard?Shavian cream.

Whos never been to a bear mitzvah?Gentile Ben.

The new DC-90 is over 1000 feet in length, a length which far exceeds that of any other aircraft. What do you call this situation?A long plane record.

What do you call mewing, purring, and playing with yarn?The Catskills.

Im so clumsy that when I go out dancing, I trip _over_ the light fantastic.

When He Says – He Really Means ———— – —————- Do you have the time? – to go to bed

Hello – Lets cut the talk and go have sex.

How are you? – in bed, I mean.

Id like a discreet relationship. – I want sex, but Im married.

Ill be out of town for a few days. – Ill be spending time with with the wife.

Im a novelist. – I have 10 unpublished books.

Im coming off a long relationship. – My wife is divorcing me.

Im consulting. – Im looking for a job.

Im divorced. – I just slipped off my wedding ring.

Im in television. – I fix them.

Im involved in banking. – Im a bank guard.

Im self-employed. – I just got fired.

Im sorry I flirted with your sister. – Im sorry I got caught.

Im thinking of relocating. – I cant find a job locally in this town.

I cant leave my wife just yet..soon. – Be patient forever.

I enjoy reading. – Playboy and Penthouse.

I have the Midas touch. – I install mufflers.

I like a woman who is intelligent. – As long as she acts like Im smarter.

I love opera. – I want sex, but Ive seen an opera once.

I play the market. – Safeway

I work high up in an executive office. – Im a window washer.

I work with computers. – Im a cashier at a gas station.

Looking for a satisfying relationship. – I want sex.

My business is really hot right now! – I hand out towels in a steam room.

My job keeps me running. – Im a messenger.

My wife and I are separated. – Shes at home and Im here at the bar.

This occurred to me while I was watching all the channels coverage of the September 11th terrorism and the followups. Heres a summary of how the various networks covered the event:

CNN: Should America retaliate? On Crossfire tonight, Colin Powell debates Osama Ben Laden.

ABC: Should America retaliate? Tonight, Barbara Walters interviews Tom Cruise.

MSNBC: MSNBC has learned that the Empire State Building is once again the tallest building in New York!

(from rec.humor.funny)

Newsflash! This just in:

The IRA has reportedly hijacked the Goodyear blimp. They have bounced it into Big Ben five times already.

What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common?

They both have colored balls.

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peters holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says Here you go and goes to leave when the forester says Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?

St. Peter says: Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Una maestra pregunta a los chicos sobre los trabajos que realizan sus padres para ganarse la vida: A ver Pedro: ¿A qué se dedica tu madre?

¡Es doctora, señorita!

¡Bravo! Ven, una profesional! ¡Eso indica que las mujeres han ganado un lugar en la sociedad! ¿Y tu papá, Elenita?

¡El es cartero, señorita!

¡Cartero!, que oficio tan sacrificado… es realmente admirable. ¡Los carteros son muy necesarios!… ¿y tu papá, Pepito?

¡Mi viejo toca el piano en un prostíbulo, señorita!

Aaahhh, ya veo, dice la maestra avergonzada, y cambia de tema para disimular: Bueno, vamos a ver cuánto estudiaron de geografía, saquen una hoja…

Más tarde, terminada la clase, la maestra va a pedir explicaciones al padre de Jaimito, el que la atiende muy cordialmente:

Mire, yo no quiero meterme en su vida privada, pero Jaimito anda diciendo que usted toca el piano en un prostíbulo.

¡Claro! ¿Y cómo carajo quiere que le explique a mi hijo de siete años que soy abogado?