Old and New Jokes

There is only one thing that money cannot buy – Poverty!

A New Jersey resident was surprised to read the patient counseling instructions a local pharmacist typed onto a recent prescription for her cat.

It warned… Do not mix with alcohol. Use caution when driving or operating machinery.

The cats owner stated, We had no idea what the cat was up to when he felt good!

From: ksullivan (Keiths Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List)

Yo mammas so retarded, she thinks "yo mama" jokes are funny.

A
woman was walking down the street when she was approached
by a man. The man said, "I must have you right
now! Ill drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in
the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my
way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait
a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone
and told her about the mans proposition. Her girlfriend
said "When he drops the $500 on the ground Im
sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his
pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend
back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

Q: Whats the blondes cheer?

A: Im blonde, Im blonde, Im B.L.O.N… ah, oh well… Im blonde, Im blonde, yea yea yea…

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. You only have six months to live.

The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, Theres only one thing I can do, Im going to become a Communist.

The doctor asks,Youve been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?

The man says, Better one of them should die than one of us!

Why did Mark Chapman shoot John Lennon?

Yoko ducked.

I heard this one at a comedy club in San Jose, CA
Larry Lopez

Two twins, Donny and Johnny, are asked by their parents what they each would like for their 10th birthday.
Id like a new bike says Donny. Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighborhood.
And Id like a radio for my room says Johnny. Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town.
So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are bodies and emergency vehicles all over.
I gotta go tell Mom says Donny, so he races back to the house and shouts Mom! Theres been a terrible accident!
Yeah, yeah says his brother, We heard all about it on my new radio.
Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning orphanage.
Wow! I gotta go tell Mom.
So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny interupts and says We heard it all on my new radio.
Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, and decides since he appears to be alone, to fuck the pig. He has his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks I gotta go tell Mom!
He races home and yells Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!
His brother says with a sneer, In a pigs ass you did!
And Donny says That FUCKIN radio!!!

The father of 17 kids goes to the docs with a rash on his belly.

All right says the Doc, drop em and lets have a look.

Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims Yes, youve got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls youve got. Theyre truly remarkable!.

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says Look Doc, what about the rash?

Oh thats easy, said the Doc, Heres some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask…..

No, said the patient, You cant. Now, is that all Doc?

Well, said the Doctor, You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day, and those really are the brownest balls Ive ever seen!

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.

What?

she yells, Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I havent even got time to wipe my arse!

Ah he said, And thats another thing I wanted to talk to you about…

A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.