A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpses rectum.
Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing, On the road again…just cant wait to get on the road again…

The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. Look at this, this is really something, the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. On the road again…just cant wait to get on the road again…

So what? the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the students discovery.

But isnt that the most amazing thing youve ever seen? asked the student.

Are you kidding? replied the Examiner, Any asshole can sing country music!

Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?

Because if they all went it would be hell!

A couple was going out for an evening on the town. When they are almost ready to go, the wife told her husband not to forget to put out the cat. However, after the taxi arrived and as they went out the door, the cat darted back in the house.Not wanting the cat shut in the house while they were out, the husband went back inside to get the cat as the wife went and got into the cab. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty while they are out, explained to the cab driver, Hes just going upstairs to say good-bye to mother.A short time later the husband came down and got into the cab. He said, Sorry it took so long but the stupid old thing was under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her out!

Whats the definition of a teenager?
Gods punishment for enjoying sex.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Whats the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if youre in the bathroom.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, theres shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen-just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Blondie told her friend, I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.

Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It wont work and you cant fire it.

Im so depressed … I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writhing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didnt have to worry about a will. He said, Will, what will? Im making a list of people Im gonna bite.

The quandry of dogs and other quadrapeds.

Condsidering that a crotch is the place between which a pair of legs meet: Does a dog have two crotches? Surely he does not have four armpits, or even two arm pits and a crotch, because dogs have four legs.

Since were into USSR jokes:

Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room;

Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but
the cat isnt there;

Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room,
the cat isnt there, but you keep shouting Ive found it! Ive found it!

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, Barhopping 6.9 &
Racing 3.6 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected

I cant seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run
my favorite applications. Im thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 7.0, but

the uninstall doesnt work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed
by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return
to Girlfriend 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program
files from the system
once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife
1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support- Homeless. I recommend that you keep Wife
1.0 and work on improving
the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate additional software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command
C:APOLOGIZE, because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the
system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as
Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. The downside is that
it also comes with a
sub-program called Spend It 12.9 that can not be
deleted. Watch this
program VERY carefully, or you will have to refer
to your manual again under2nd
Job
– Mobile Home – Collecting Cans.

Be very careful how you use these programs. Improper
use will cause the
system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this
happens, the only way to
improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software.

Recommend Flowers 2.1, Vacations 8.4 and Diamonds
5.0 WARNING!!! DO
NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt
3.3 or Babysitter 17.0 These applications are not
supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system
and your personal hard drive.
Best of luck,
Tech Support

Its a pain in the butt.

Do you know what the height of hard upfullness is?

Two old ladies in an asparagus patch doing knee bends!

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the
Hacker Barbie. These new dolls will be released next month. The aim
of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic,
computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbies very own
X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORAs In a Nutshell
series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair
of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and
glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors
and HP calculators optional.)

The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen
without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16
hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as
Whats your Internet address?, I like TCP/IP!, Bummer! Your kernel
must have gotten trashed, Cant you grep that file?, and DECs Alpha
AXP is awesome!

We are very excited about this product, said Ken Olsen, Marketing
Executive, and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage
incurred by the mathophobic Barbie. (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie
dolls that say, Math is hard, with a condescending companion Ken.) The
Hacker Barbies Ken is an incompetent management consultant who
frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of
Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, I believe that these new dolls will
finally terminate the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it
comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Kens
hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and
oppress the masses. Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children
technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. My daughter Jenny
plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days, says Mrs. Mary
Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, and now she pays my credit card
bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just
dont wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama. Mattel will be offering
free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with
the complex aspects of Barbie. Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail will teach
computer ethics to youngsters, while BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!! will
serve as an introduction to expository writing.