Old and New Jokes

Whats black and brown and looks good on an attorney?



A doberman pinscher.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.



Jake asked her, What are you up to?



Alice smiled. Im going hunting with you!



Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, If you see a deer, take careful aim and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot.



Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.



Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: Get away from my deer!



Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: Get away from my deer! followed by another volley of gunfire!



Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!

A painting cotractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She sad she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to the window opened it and yelled GREEN SIDE UP. They walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it and yelled, GREEN SIDE UP. The woman was curious but didnt say anything. They walked into the third room and she said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and went to the window and opened it, he yelled GREEN SIDE UP. Finally the woman asked, why do you keep yelling that out the window? Im sorry, he replied, but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Yo mama so fat that she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, Why does it work?

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, How does it work?

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, How much will it cost?

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, Do you want fries with that?

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlos Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats – approximately one billion Chinese couldnt care less.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Some mornings, its just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Her kisses left something to be desired – the rest of her.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; its less confusing that way.

I couldnt wait for success, so I went on without it.

Life is antagonistic to the living.

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they dont realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Hobbes: Isnt your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, Um… No.

Or, the lawyer continued, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, Or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident? the lawyers voice rising in indignation, Leaving her pennyless with three children?

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea…

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

David: My wife beats me, doctor.

Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

David: Every time we play Scrabble!

EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manuals Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are Simple
EMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised Screwups
EMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly Suppressed
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist Subversion
EMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed Simpletons
EMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command Structures
EMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and Stupifies
EMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands Stink
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer Scientists
EMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff price
EMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably Smaller
EMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts Sales
EMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is Superior
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control System
EMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and Supporters
EMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes Simpler
EMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete Submission
EMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy Sickos
EMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely Slow
EMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever Seen
EMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- Shells
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Epileptic MLisp Aggravates Compiler Seizures
EMACS: Evenings, Mornings, And a Couple of Saturdays
EMACS: Emacs Makes All Computing Simple
EMACS: Emacs Masquerades As Comfortable Shell
EMACS: Emacs: My Alternative Computer Story
EMACS: Emacs Made Almost Completely Screwed
EMACS: Each Mail A Continued Surprise
EMACS: Every Mode Acknowledges Customized Strokes
EMACS: Eating Memory And Cycle-Sucking
EMACS: Everyday Material Almost Compiled Successfully
EMACS: Elvis Masterminds All Computer Software
EMACS: Emacs Makes A Computer Slow

Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, Honey, have you seen my other shoe?