Estaba un borrachÃn afuera de su casa gritándole a la puerta:
¡Abracadabra! ¡Abracadabra!
En eso, pasa un policÃa y le dice:
Oiga, señor, ¿de veras cree que la puerta se va a abrir diciéndole abracadabra?
¡AchÃs! ¿A poco dije abracadabra? Perdón, me equivoqué…
Y entonces comienza a gritar:
¡Abre, cabrona! ¡Abre cabrona!
The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:
Everything Men Know About Women
End of Report
U.S. Attorney Generals Office
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
The man below says: Yes youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.
You must work in Information Technology, says the balloonist.
I do, replies the man. How did you know?
Well, says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but its of no use to anyone.
The man below says, You must work in business as a manager. I do, replies the balloonist, but how did you know?
Well, says the man, you dont know where you are or where you are going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met but now its my fault.
One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then came the second half…
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
Who made that tackle? asked the ant.
I did, said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, Who made that great stop? I did, said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.
Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, Where were you in the first half?
The centipede replied, Puttin on my shoes!
COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
The College Food Chain:
The Dean
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
The Department Head
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Talks with God.
Professor
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if a special request is honored.
Associate Professor
Barely clears a Quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
Assistant Professor
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings. Is run over by locomotives. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Treads water. Talks to animals.
Instructor
Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks on thin ice. Prays a lot.
Graduate Student
Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls.
Undergraduate Student
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says Look at the choo-choo. Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to themselves.
Department Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in their teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. they ARE God.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chickens bottom.
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN…
I didnt look up the original reference.A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT…
These data are practically meaningless.WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS…
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY…
The other results didnt make any sense.TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN…
This is the prettiest graph.THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT…
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.IN MY EXPERIENCE…
Once.IN CASE AFTER CASE…
Twice.IN A SERIES OF CASES…
Thrice.IT IS BELIEVED THAT…
I think.IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT…
A couple of others think so, too.CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE …
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS…
Rumor has it.A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS…
A really wild guess.A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA…
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS…
I dont understand it….and I never will.AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES…
They dont understand it either.A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY…
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS
FIELD…
I am pleased to feed you bullsh*t.
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.
When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the hippie, if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.
The hippie of course says that hed love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder, said the bus driver(male), you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When shes in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, Ha ha, Im the hippie!!
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, Ha ha, Im the bus driver!!!
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.
A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.
Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.
The second cant stand to be bested. Why thats nothing.
I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me.
I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And Im still here today.
The third cowboy, silent for a moment, then slowly rises, whips out his pecker and stirs the coals.