Old and New Jokes

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Stolen from Secular Humanist News (newsletter of the Humanists and Freethinkers of Ga.) and slightly modified to my tastes:

They dont force beer on minors too young to think for themselves
Beer doesnt tell you how or with whom to have sex
No one will kill you for not drinking Beer
Beer has never caused a major war
Nobodys ever been hung, burned at the stake, or tortured for choosing the wrong brand of Beer
When you have a Beer, you dont go knocking on other peoples doors trying to give it away
There are laws saying Beer labels cant lie to you
If youve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups who will help you stop
You can prove you have a Beer
You dont have to wait 2,000 years for a second Beer

A married lady was entertaining the Pizza delivery man in her bedroom when all at once they heard a car door slam. The young man jumped out the window forgetting his clothes and the fact that he was still wearing a condom.

He hid in the bushes wondering how he was ever going to get home when he saw a group of joggers coming down the street. He figures he will just join in and maybe not be noticed.

As he is running along, the man next to him asks, Do you always jog naked? and the young man replied that yes he did.

Then the other gentleman asked Do you always wear a condom?

The young man looked heavenward and replied Looks like rain.

This wad told to me by a librarian. Reference work must be dull at times.

Robin

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!

Hey all, this is a somewhat illegal chain letter. I am sending this, however, because it is supposedly very detrimental to your sex life and/or sex organs if you dont send 20 copies out within 96 hours of receiving it. Soo… I need to keep the family jewels intact so, here is the chain letter. There are documented cases below of people who DIDNT respond, and what happened to them… GO BLUE!

This letter has been sent to you for good luck. The original has been worn out from having passed through the hands of so many people. It had travelled around the world 70 times [Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.]

The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to others.

This is no joke. Send no money.

Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of ograsms of his life.

John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbours.

In a suburb of Paris, Don Lorays trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following:

Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every paid her at work.

General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.

His aide, Colonel Roger Bumswiver, who did not pass on the letter, tried to pick up a similar object but was fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when he bent over.

Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed twenty copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!

Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.

You must distribute at least twenty copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling.

Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle) a doctor and the old man were discussing President Bushs health care reform ideas. The old man said Well, ya know, G.W. Bush is a post turtle.

So, not knowing what he meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old man said When youre driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, thats a post turtle. You know he didnt get up there by himself, he doesnt belong there, he cant get anything done while hes up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down.

[Thanks to rubin] – www

20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex!

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. If you love me youll swallow that has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate wont mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word commitment doesnt scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You dont get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate theres no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesnt make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesnt matter.

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

No laundry the boy said, Im going to wash my dog.

But you shouldnt use this to wash your dog. Its very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, hell get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

Oh, he died, the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.

The boy replied, I dont think it was the detergent that killed him.

Oh, What was it then? I think it was the spin cycle!

Searching for the perfect gift for his dear wife who loved animals and birds in particular, a man dropped in to the local pet shop to see if he could come up with an idea. The pet store manager told the man, I have just the thing youre looking for, a bird named Chet.

Impressed with the look of the bird as the manager pointed out Chet on the near by perch, the man was even more intrigued when the manager pointed out that Chet could sing Christmas Carols.

Approaching the bird Chet, the manager took out his lighter and said Yes, just listen. As the manager lit his lighter and moved it gently below Chets right foot the bird immediately broke into Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all … but then, when the manager moved the lighter below Chets left foot, the bird switched to Im Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the ones ….

Astonishment was the only way to describe the husbands reaction and he said, Ill buy him, what a perfect gift for my dear wife.

Racing home with Chet, the man knew he couldnt keep this wonderful gift from his wife until Christmas day. He presented Chet to her immediately and remarked, Not only is he a pretty bird, but he sings too, Dearest.

His wife was totally overwhelmed as her husband demonstrated Chets skill at singing Jingle Bells and White Christmas moving his lighter back and forth between Chets right and left foot.

What happens if you put the lighter under both his feet at the same time? asked the mans wife.

I dont know sweet, lets try it and see.

As the man move his lighter under both of the birds feet they were both surprised when the carol immediately switched to Chets nuts roasting on an open fire …

Log on – Adding a log to your wood stove