Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasnt effective enough.
EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
You are now properly prepared.
Q. How do you know if a blonde used your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Simmonss Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.
He was
only a chocolate chip cookie…
…but I loved him.
I met him at a party. There he was at the end of the buffet….a loner;
the last one on the plate. He had a certain something…a sweetness, a
sensuality. He was one hot cookie. I felt as if Id always known him…hungered
for him.
When he looked at me with those warm brown eyes, I melted. Before I
knew it, I had my hands on him, my mouth on him…in public. After that
night, we were inseparable. With him I could be myself. He didnt seem
to care what mood I was in, how I looked or even if I gained weight. Together
we had the recipe for happiness. No one satisfied me like Chip.
THEN THINGS CHANGED
My friends said he was no good for me. He started to give me heartburn.
I felt crummy, but it had to end. Now weve gone our separate ways. I
hardly think of him anymore. Oh, if I see a certain TV commercial, a particular
magazine ad, a coupon for money off…that old longing returns. And when
we run into each other in the supermarket, we nod. Were friendly.But
its OVER!
1. Be Allah you can be
2. Aim Low
3. An Army of None
4. The Few……………………………….
5. Martyrs have more fun
6. Vigins….we got Virgins!!
7. Free Camoflage Turbans….sign up today!
8. Uncle oSAMa wants you
A co-workers favorite joke:
Two men are hiking in the mountains. One suddenly stops, removes
his hiking boots, and starts putting on sneakers. The other asks
why he is doing that.
The first man answers, I thought I heard a bear.
The second argues, You cant outrun a bear, not even with sneakers.
The first responds, I just need to outrun YOU!
Some mornings I wake up grouchy… and on others I just let her sleep!
Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies
REDMOND, Washington – January 4, 1995 – In response to customer inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named Bob immediately select new first names.
I dont know where these rumors come from, commented Steve Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support. Its ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry to change their names. We wont, and our licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice Department could never question them.
Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low cost.
The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the Windows 95 logo on their bodies.
Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day grace period during which they can select another related name. Were being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark, said Bill Newkom, Microsofts Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs. People are still free to call themselves Robert, Robby, or even Rob. Bobby however is derivative of Microsofts trademark and obviously cant be allowed.
Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed to his forehead.
Theres a little boy at school and asks the teacher if he can go to the toilet.
Okay says the teacher. But first youve got to say the alphabet.
They boy says the alphabet: a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z.
What happened to the p? asked the teacher.
Its running down my leg, Miss.