Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you?
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now wont wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors dont even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes wont get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they cant remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
You cant remember who sent you this list.
You go to the dentist for a Tooth Cleaning.
You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.
Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday, and you like it.
Esta obsesión de suicidio me está matando.
No más medios de comunicación… ¡Los queremos completos!
La droga te buelbe vruto.
Errar es humano, pero echarle la culpa al otro es más humano todavÃa.
Dios mÃo, dame paciencia… ¡Pero dámela ya!
Yo no sufro de locura… La disfruto a cada minuto.
Si yo fuera tú me enamorarÃa de mÃ.
La vida es como un moco: dura, intragable y, a veces, no te deja respirar.
Cada moco con su flema.
SonrÃe… Yo existo.
Una mujer me arrastró a la bebida… Y nunca tuve la cortesÃa de darle las gracias.
Si su hijo llora dele leche de tarro y si sigue llorando dele con el tarro.
Si tu novia perjudica tu estudio, deja el estudio y perjudica a tu novia.
Cualquiera se puede equivocar, inclusive yo.
Los honestos son inadaptados sociales.
Ningún tonto se queja de serlo. No les debe ir tan mal.
Estudiar es desconfiar de la inteligencia del compañero de al lado.
No estoy en contra de que haya mujeres feas, pero ¿por qué todas viven en esta cuidad?
Estoy preñado de ideas pero no las puedo parir.
Ahorre energÃa, no sea caliente.
Las niñas buenas van al cielo y las malas a todas partes.
Si un pájaro te dice que estás loco, debes estarlo, pues los pájaros no hablan.
En cada madre hay una suegra en potencia.
Lo importante es el dinero, la salud va y viene.
Trabajar nunca mató a nadie, pero ¿para qué arriesgarse?
Felices los que no esperan nada, porque no serán defraudados.
El alcohol mata lentamente… No importa, no tengo apuro.
La confusión está clarÃsima.
Mátate estudiando y serás un cadáver culto.
El mundo se está quedando sin genios: Einstein se murió, Beethoven se quedó sordo… Y a mà me duele la cabeza (??).
Lo triste no es ir al cementerio sino quedarse.
Hay dos palabras que te abrirán muchas puertas: Jale y Empuje.
Lo importante no es ganar sino hacer perder al otro.
El eructo es comida en aerosol.
Si quieres una mano que te ayude, la encontrarás al final de tu brazo.
¿Para qué tomar y manejar si puedes fumar y volar?
Vivir en las nubes no es malo, lo malo es bajar.
SIN DISCRIMINACIÓN RACIAL PERO…
Blanco con uniforme = coronel
Negro con uniforme = maletero
Blanco con pistola = precavido
Negro con pistola = asaltante
Blanco subiendo una montaña = alpinista
Negro subiendo una montaña = prófugo
Blanco con maletÃn = ejecutivo
Negro con maletÃn = traficante
Blanco con chofer = millonario
Negro con chofer = preso
Blanco que come mucho = bien alimentado
Negro que come mucho = muerto de hambre
Blanco leyendo el diario = intelectual
Negro leyendo el diario = buscando trabajo
Blanco rascándose = alérgico
Negro rascándose = sarnoso
Blanco corriendo = deportista
Negro corriendo = carterista
Blanco que pega a su esposa = mal marido
Negro que pega a su esposa = mal parido
Blanco vestido de blanco = doctor
Negro vestido de blanco = heladero
Blanco con alas = ángel
Negro con alas = gárgola
Blanco en prostÃbulo = buscando placer
Negro en prostÃbulo = buscando a su esposa
Blanco con novia menor = exquisito
Negro con novia menor = degenerado y violador
I have a small mind-and Im prepared to use it!
Feminists are OK, I just wouldnt want my sister to marry one.
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you dont
own, to make a dish the dog wont eat the rest of.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?
A: Zippo Marx.
A bulldozer.
A young blonde was onvacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming veryfrustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blondeshouted, "Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair ofshoes at a reasonable price!"The shopkeeper said,"By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself analligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly towardher. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to theswamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!"