Old and New Jokes

The 14 Commandments of the Religious Left (in no particular order):

• Thou shalt have no other God except thyself, after all, its thy self-esteem that counts. If thou doth not love thyself, who will?
• Thou shalt not make any gravn image out of any substances which cannot be recycled.
• Thou shalt not take the name of liberals in criticism, including feminists, racial minorities, or any person who thinks he is a victim of America.
• Remember the anniversaries of {Roe v. Wade} and Anita Hills testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and keep them holy.
• Honor thy mother. If shes dysfunctional, its thy fathers fault.
• Thou shalt not kill. With these exceptions: life forms under the second trimester, and those opting for medically assisted suicides.
• Thou shalt not commit adultery. Unless thou aspirest to high political office, weareth a condom, or cannot help it.
• Thou shalt not steal. Unless thou art disadvantaged or upset with a [California] jury verdict.
• Thou shalt not bear false witness. Unless thou are discussing the history of the 1980s, art campaigning, or can afford good legal counsel in the event thou art discovered.
• Thou shalt not covet. Unless thou art the victim of gender-related oppression or institutional racism, or art still angy with Reagans tax cuts.
• Always hide the real truth about thyself.
• Never admit who or what thou really art when campaigning for office.
• Always blame someone else for what thou art – even so far as to blame the entire society.
• Thou shalt oppose all punishment – except when conservative Republicans or religious right people criticise thee.

What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?

A full set of teeth!

stick it in a blender

This guy runs into a bar and shouts Quick, how tall is a penguin??

The bartender looks stunned.

An empire penguin can be about this tall he says, gesturing.

So the guy says, Oh no, I just ran over two nuns!

Tres amigos hablaban acerca de cuales consideraban las mejores posiciones durante el sexo:

¡El 69, ni hablar! dice uno.

A mi me fascina la del misionero dice el otro.

¡No hay nada mejor que la del rodeo! comenta el tercero.

Los otros dos amigos se miran con cara de asombro, y rápido le preguntan en que consiste esa posición. El hombre les explica:

Bueno, le dices a tu mujer que se ponga en cuatro patas y empiezas por detrás; una vez que las cosas se pongan bien calientes, apoyas tu pecho sobre su espalda, la abrazas fuertemente, y con delicadeza le susurras al oído: esta posición le fascina a mi secretaria… e intentas mantenerte encima de ella por más de ocho segundos.

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.



Not yet, replied little Johnny.



His mother tells him he cant have any breakfast until he does his chores.



Well, now hes a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.



He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.



How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.



Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon, either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this morning.



Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen.



Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says…

Are you going to tell him, or should I?

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled, Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!

Carlsons Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.

A piece of paper you spent half an hour writing, and then forgot to
take with you to the store.

Calls For Tragic Death Of Streisand

With sales of Princess Di memorabilia falling off sharply after a record
1997, collectible-plate-industry leaders Monday called for the tragic
death of beloved entertainer Barbra Streisand.

For the 1998 Christmas season to be anywhere near as successful as last
years, we need a heartbreaking, untimely end to a wonderful life that we
can commemorate with a series of limited-edition collectors plates, said
Franklin Mint president Jim Campion, who joined representatives from the
Bradford Exchange and Danbury Mint in a unified call for Streisands
tragic demise. The death of Barbra Streisand, with her upscale, intensely
devoted following, would be ideal.

Economists say the unexpected death of a star of Streisands magnitude
would translate to a 70 percent sales boost for the $1 billion
collectible-plate industry.

A Streisand death would probably outsell all other recent celebrity
deaths combined, including Princess Di and Frank Sinatra, said Andrew
Culpepper of The Wall Street Journal. I could easily see QVC moving
anywhere from 500,000 to a million units of Streisand memorabilia in the
first week alone. After all, were talking about the woman who sang
People, Evergreen and You Dont Bring Me Flowers.

Directly addressing the Funny Girl star, Campion urged Streisand to give
serious consideration to the collectible-plate-industrys request.

Ms. Streisand, you have lived a life of comfort and wealth, much of which
was made possible by the selling of collectibles and memorabilia bearing
your image. We feel it would be fair and honorable of you to give
something back, both to your fans and the collectibles industry, by
passing away in a manner that leaves the world stunned and deeply in want
of some tangible object commemorating your rare beauty and talent, an
object your fans can hold on to as a treasured keepsake and an assurance
that your spirit will always be with them.

Among the means of death recommended by collectible-plate-industry
leaders: car crash, helicopter crash, skiing accident, drowning,
accidental shooting, or a rare, degenerative disease that Streisand had
been bravely battling for years in secret. Surprisingly, they were also
open to the possibility of a sleeping-pill overdose.

While embarrassing and potentially tarnishing to a stars legacy, the
perennial success of Elvis Presley memorabilia proves that a drug-related
death does not necessarily hurt sales. In fact, in some cases it can
actually help, Campion said. We therefore wholeheartedly approve of this
mode of demise.

In anticipation of a possible Streisand death, plate-makers are busily
developing merchandise lines. The Bradford Exchange is planning The
Evergreen Collection, a line of premium, gold-inlaid plates depicting
Streisand in scenes from such cinematic triumphs as Yentl, Nuts and The
Mirror Has Two Faces. Additional plates commemorate such landmark moments
in Streisand history as her triumphant 1994 return concert at Madison
Square Garden, her 1981 Best Pop Duet Grammy for Guilty with Barry
Gibb, and her brief 1970s marriage to Elliott Gould.

Said Bradford Exchange vice-president of marketing Theodore Deele: Each
Evergreen Collection plate will be available for just two easy payments
of $49 plus shipping and handling, and will be limited to 200 firing
dates, virtually guaranteeing it to be a rare, sought-after collectible.
It will also come with a certificate of authenticity stating unequivocally
that this is indeed a plate with a picture of Barbra Streisand on it.

The Bradford Exchange is already accepting reservations for the plate,
promising customers an unconditional money-back guarantee should Streisand
decline to expire.

Numerous other industries have praised the collectible-plate
manufacturers call for Streisands death. Said Laura Samuelson, president
of the American Association of Florists: In September 1997, British
florists sold $11.5 million worth of Di-related bouquets, nearly half of
which were laid at the gates outside Buckingham Palace. Based on those
numbers, we are confident we could easily sell $20 million in flowers for
fans to lay in front of Streisands Brooklyn birthplace.

Also supporting Mondays call for an untimely death were the Home Shopping
Network, People magazine, and Columbia Records, which would stand to enjoy
a 300 percent surge in Streisand-back-catalog sales from such an event.
Beanie Babies manufacturer Ty has also expressed interest in producing a
limited-edition Barbra Bear. And close Streisand friend Marvin Hamlisch,
who wrote her 1973 hit The Way We Were, said he would record a new
version of the Grammy-winning song in her memory. The Way You Were
(1998) would hit stores the first Tuesday after her death, and would
likely become the best-selling single of all time.

According to collectible-plate-industry leaders, a number of other
celebrities were discussed as possible candidates for tragic death, but
Streisand ultimately emerged as the best choice. We talked about all
sorts of people — Bette Midler, Elton John, Oprah, Leonardo DiCaprio,
Celine Dion — the list goes on and on, Martin Krujczek of the Danbury
Mint said. But the more we talked, the more apparent it became that no
one could match the incomparable Barbra Streisand.

Buzzing over Mondays call for their idols death, Streisands famously
devoted fans are already eager to purchase something to remember her by.

I cant even tell you how crazy I am about Barbra — Ive seen A Star Is
Born at least 200 times, said Rick Childress, a Hermosa Beach, CA,
hairdresser. If she died, I would buy anything and everything thats even
remotely commemorative.

Theres nobody else like Barbra. Nobody, said Woodmere, NY, homemaker
Joan Kushner, whose 6,000-item Streisand collection includes an
autographed copy of My Name Is Barbra and the boxing gloves she wore in
the movie poster for The Main Event. God forbid anything should ever
happen to our Barbra. But if it must, let there be merchandise to help us
cope.