Old and New Jokes

At the chopping mall!

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby. They arrived and Dubyas friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it. After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

Dear __________________________, I regret to inform you thatyou have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probablyaware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates suchas yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name onfile should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in yourfuture romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you weredisqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply) __ Your last name is objectionable. I cant imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. __ Your first name is objectionable. Its just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion. __ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonalds reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing. __ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. __ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. __ Your breasts are bigger than mine. __ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you cant GET into my pants. __ Youre too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. AMEN! __ Youre too tall. Im developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. __ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. __ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting. __ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. __ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner. __ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. __ The fact that you categorize the ProBowlers Tour as Must See TV demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements. __ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip. __ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely,

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: Slim, Im 83 years old now and Im just full of aches and pains. I know youre about my age. How do you feel?

Slim says, I feel just like a newborn baby.

Really!? Like a newborn baby!?

Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

This old letch plans to marry a young blonde gold digger.

Object: breathing some new life into him.

It doesnt. In fact, she just about fucks him to death on their honeymoon.

On his deathbed, he calls for his adult sons and says he has one final request: After Im gone, cremate me, then put me in her douche bag and run me through one more time.

Q. What comes out of the penis first at the time of orgasm?

A. The wrinkles.

Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

It was a high school.

Johns girlfriend had long been complaining that she wasnt getting
satisfied, because his dick was too short. And now she had announced
that she was going to leave him, and find a bigger guy. John didnt
think he could stand to lose her, since everything else about their
relationship was wonderful. He begged her to stay with him a little
longer, and he promised hed figure out something.

She agreed to give him a week. In desperation, John went to see a
doctor, to ask if there was anything that could be done. At first, the
doctor said no, there really wasnt anything that could be done. When
John wasnt convinced, the doctor said well, maybe the new experimental
… no, better not even consider that. It was too new, and there wasnt
enough information about what might go wrong.

John wasnt having any of that. He said he was desperate, and hed try
anything, if it would give him a longer penis. After some argument, the
doctor agreed to send him to the university hospital for the operation,
which consisted of attaching the end of a baby elephants trunk to his
penis, but repeated that he definitely didnt recommend this operation
and wouldnt take any responsibility for the results.

John had the operation, it was a success, and within the week, John was
ready to put his new tool to work. He was really going to surprise his
girlfriend with this thing. Shed be delighted–it was really big!

First he took her out to a fancy restaurant, and they had a perfect
meal. As they were finishing up dinner, John got a devilish idea. He
unzipped his fly under the tablecloth, and took it out. Then, before
he knew what was happening, this penis snaked up over the edge of the
table, and started feeling around. It found a hard roll, and with a
little sniffing sound, grabbed the roll, and zipped back under the
tablecloth.

Johns girlfriend was delighted! Can you do that again? she asked.
John replied, Uh, I think so, but I dont think my ass can take another
one of those rolls.

The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.

She told the students to each take only one treat.

Next to the basket of apples was a sign:

Take only one, God is watching.

As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, Take all you want, Gods watching the apples!

yo mamaso fat every time she farts she moves the whole earth out of orbit

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Japan!
Japan who!
Japan is too hot, ouch!