Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying I could have had a V-8!
Yelling Punchbuggy! and hitting Rikers arm whenever he sees a shuttle craft
Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
Spotlighting unsuspecting crew members with the glare from his forehead
Lecturing everybody on why its rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her a REAL Picard Maneuver
Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking Are those Bugle Boy jeans youre wearing?
Telling crew members in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, Go ahead, Make it so
Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.
. . . Perhaps of even greater significance is the
continuous and profound distrust of science and technology
that the environmental movement displays. The environmental
movement maintains that science and technology cannot be
relied upon to build a safe atomic power plant, to produce
a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that
is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives.
When it comes to global warming, however, it turns out that
there is one area in which the environmental movement
displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability
of science and technology, an area in which, until recently,
no one–even the staunchest supporters of science and
technology–had ever thought to assert very much confidence
at all. The one thing, the environmental movement holds,
that science and technology can do so well that we are
entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is FORECAST
THE WEATHER!–for the next one hundred years…
George Reisman, The Toxicity of Environmentalism
How to buy a stereo:
Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.
The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.
The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very C00L.
The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.)
The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important. (eg. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.)
The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft.
The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.
Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.
Components should have a cool names.
The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame.
Having state of the art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.
The most important factor … Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.
There was an english man an irish man and a jewish man and they all decided to go in a helicopter. While they were up in the sky the english man threw a dagger out of the door, the irish man threw a sword out of the door and the jewish man threw a bomb out of the door. When they landed the english man went home and found his dad sitting on the floor crying so he said whats up dad? and his dad said a dagger has just fell from the sky and stabbed your mum.
Then the irish man went home and found his sister sitting on the floor crying so he said whats up sis? so she told him a sword fell from the sky and stabbed mum and dad. Then the Jewish man went home and found his dad lying on the couch crying with laughter so he said whats so funny pop? so his dad replied ive just farted an next doors house blew up!
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
There was a promiscuous young couple making out in the back seat of a car. Temperatures were rising and things were getting pretty intense, and finally the girl gasped, Oh darling, darling, kiss me where it smells.
So he drove her to the local sewerage plant.
Resulta que José y la MarÃa eran unos jóvenes campesinos que estaban de novios.
Un dÃa de tantos José notó que la MarÃa tenia los dedos de los pies muy abiertos (separados) y le pregunta:
¡Hey vos Mariya! con tono de campesino de tierra adentro, ¿Purque vos tenés los dedus de los pies tan jabiertos?
Y la MarÃa le responde:
Es que yo camino descalza por el lodo, ¿no ves?
José se queda ido y sólo alcanza a pensar en voz alta:
Aaah pos sÃ… debe ser por el lodo…
El caso es que con el tiempo se casaron. Y a la mañana siguiente, después de la noche de bodas, José despierta a MarÃa y le pregunta:
¡Hey vos Mariya!… ¿Es que también te sentabas en el lodo?
Od Man fishing in the greek to younger man who arrives to start fishing also: Where yu bin the last week son?
Young man: I got me married.
Old man: Whod ya marry son?
Young man: I married Mary Lou.
Old man: Why shes so ugly, why dya marry her, is she a good cook?
Young man: Nope.
Old man: Is she good in bed?
Young man: Nope.
Old man: Is she pregnant?
Young man: Nope.
Old man, still watching his float: Why in tarnation dyou marry her for then Son?
Young man, baiting his hook: Shes got the worms.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale
and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog – After a while complain to its
owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Bar swaying.
Fault : Air turbulence unusually high – maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution : Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar – if not complain
loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time – if not treat
yourself to a lie in.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC !!!!!