Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Twig!
Twig who?
Twig or tweat!

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows

95. Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide where you want to go. Well, whats the difference between the two? Bill asks.

God says, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision. Fine, but where should I go first? Ill leave that up to you. Okay, then, says Bill. Let me try Hell first.

So Bill goes to Hell. Its a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. This is great! he tells God. If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!

Fine, says God, and off they go. Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. Its nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. Hmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he tells God. Fine, replies God. As you desire.

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

Hows everything going? he asks Bill. Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water? Oh … that was the SCREENSAVER.

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, Hey DeBakey …. Is dat you ? Come over here a minute.

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris …Try doing your work with the engine running.

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, What where you doing in the pond after midnight?

I was blowing bubbles. The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. Judge, I was blowing bubbles.

He then called in duck number three and said, So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?

No, Im Bubbles.

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, Im gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down. And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pigs house and said Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!! So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Then the wolf showed up and said, Im gonna huff and puff and blow your house down! And he did!

The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pigs house and said Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and were scared!!! So the brick pig let them in.

The wolf caught up with them and said Im gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend.

A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras.

These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, one of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolfs mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, Who the hell were those guys?

And the brick pig said Oh, those are my cousins … the Guinea Pigs.

Read this as if it were a Dr. Seuss story. Enjoy!!

I am Starr.

Starr I are.

Im a brilliant barri-star.

Im here to ask, as youll soon see, Did you grope Miss Lew-in-ski?

Did you grope her in your house?

Did you grope beneath her blouse?

Did she give you gifts and ties?

Were you spied by prying eyes?

I did not do that here or there!

I did not do that anywhere!

I did not do that in a chair!

I went not near her giant hair!

I did not join-even for fun,

The Mile High Club in Air Force One.

So stow your feathers and your tar.

I did not do her, Starr you are!

Did you smile?

Did you flirt?

Did you peek beneath her skirt?

And did you tell the girl to lie, When called upon to testify?

That is it; youve gone too far!

I do not like you, Starr you are!

I will not answer any more!

In fact, I think Ill start a war!

The publics easy to distract,

When bombs are falling in Iraq!

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldnt stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Ive never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it? The woman replied, Well, that first hearse is for my husband. What happened to him? The woman replied, My dog attacked and killed him. She inquired further, Well, who is in the second hearse? The woman answered, My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her. A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. Can I borrow the dog? Get in line!

Q: When driving through fog what should you use?

A: Your car!

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommates potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommates potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, He just didnt belong.

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, Its spreading, its spreading.

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While youre doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, Soon, soon….

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, Ive got an important message for you. Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you cant remember what the message was. Later on, say, Oh, yeah, I remember! Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Dont eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!? Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, Hooray! Youre back! as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes.

Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, Shouldnt you be going somewhere?

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, No, I want to watch them suffer.

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

What Denomination? Asked the clerk.

Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? said the woman.

Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!